8 Signs That CNN is NOT a News Organization Anymore

Let me check my CNN depression manual to figure out if this guy is feeling peechy.

First of all, what the fuck is "the Frisky" and why is it on CNN? Second of all, have women, as a species, lost ability to think and reason for themselves? WTF! Do women really need a list that says, "But if showers, shaving, and bothering to find the shirt without the hot sauce stain have become a thing of the past, this could be a sign that his internal world isn't looking so good either" to tell her that her man isn't clicking on all cylinders? Have they lost cognitave abilites that I was unaware of?

Hey ladies, he's drinking more, smoking more, eating like a pig, up all night, verbally berating strangers, driving like a madman, not wanting to fuck you, dressing like a bum, contemplating his existence, and altogether losing a zest for life because you nag the shit out of him and keep telling him that you read online about 8 reasons why he might be depressed. It's none of those. He actually doesn't like you anymore but has no idea how to get out.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Happy New Year!

I Have A More Concise List

In regards to CNN's earth shifting report on the ten healthiest diets, I thought I would make my own Top 10. It's a little simpler.

1) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.
2) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

3) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

4) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

5) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

6) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

7) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

8) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

9) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

10) Stop eating so much, you fat bastard and go do something.

Holy Shit Balls!

It's not every day that you hear of someone being thrown out of a soccer game only to come back onto the field wielding a running FUCKING CHAINSAW trying to chop someone's arms off! Where the hell did he get a chainsaw???? Was this game being played right next to the Great Outdoors Games? Holy fuck!

"The victim's friend ran off, leaving him cornered by the defendant." Um, heck yes! Friend. Teammate. Brother. Whatever dude! There is a man running at us with a chansaw! RUN!

Good thing this guy Lloyd admitted to slicing a guy's chest with a chainsaw since he in fact, sliced a guy's chest with a chainsaw in front of apparently 20 other people on a soccer field.

I love the judge's analysis, "You had been drinking, you were unpleasant, you went away and then for some reason you brought back a chainsaw which was running...Your offending behaviour is very closely tied up with the extent to which you will carry on taking drugs and drinking."

(Drinking + Being Unpleasant + Walking Away) multiplied by "x" = Returning with a running chainsaw trying to chop someones hands off.

I wonder what the variable "x" is here. And wait a second...his offending behavior (that being swiping a running chainsaw at someone) is tied to alcohol and drugs??? I've taken both alcohol and drugs and I by no means tie that into running around like Jason from Friday the 13th trying to lop someone's limbs off. The guy wasn't tripping on a LSD/heroin/crystal meth concoction...he was drunk! This guy is fucking nuts. Period! "x" = crazy

Man of the Year

Sometimes I wish we could bomb our own country. How about instead of wasting all this time and money fucking around with the lizards in the Middle East, we line up every middle aged man living between Colorado and Pennsylvania, and drop a bomb on them. I mean seriously guys, what the fuck is THIS all about?

Robert Aragon's daughter died of hypothermia after he made her walk 11 miles in the snow on Christmas day. How's that for a Christmas present: "Listen here you little hussy, get up out this truck and walk the rest of the 11 miles to your mother JoLeta's house." And I'm not even kidding about the mom's name....JoLeta.

Fuck you twice dude. First for killing your own daughter, then for naming her Sage and your son Bear. And probably once more for marrying somebody named JoLeta. You suck in every way possible and I hope your cell-mates rape you with bed posts for next 30 years.

Crennel Willing to Stay, Basically Begging For a Job

The Romeo Crennel era in Cleveland is over, or maybe not. Maybe the era will extend a little bit because get this, Romeo wants to hang out for a few more years.

Hey dickhead, you got fired. You don't get to just kick it on the sidelines now because you used to coach. Remember when your team didn't score a touchdown for 6 games? Yep, that was you on the sidelines, standing there looking like a giant raisin.

At least he had the where-with-all to recognize that "for this organization to move forward, they need key people on the same page, going in the same direction." Nailed it! Get the fuck out Romeo! You're not key, you're not on the page, you're not even a goddamn consideration at this point.

Boom.

Hey Lady, Get the Fuck OUT

Edith Sherman thinks she's awesome because she lives in a studio above Carnegie Hall. Edith is pissed off now because the owners want to renovate. Edith should shut her fat face up.

Here's the thing, if I ever met Edith and she was wearing the heinous outfit she has on in that picture, I would tell her to get the fuck out too. In fact, I'd probably kick her in the stomach. Edith is 96 and apparently so are her clothes.

Move bitch, get out the way. You look like a lampshade and unfortunately I'm so materialistic, I think you're gross. So fuck you Edith, get a new home.

Boom.

Really? You don't say...

There's some speculation out there right now that President Elect Obama might inherit a crisis in Gaza. I think it's necessary to shed some light on this subject. Here goes. No Shit.

No Shit Obama is going to inherit a crisis, just like every other president in the United States has inherited a crisis in Israel. Unfortunately, nothing will be done about it, we don't fuck with Jews.

While Israel sits around pumping missle after missle into villages of Palestinians, we'll sit on our hands talking about oil and God and obesity and shit heads who shoot people in movie theatres.

God Bless America, only America bitches.

Don't Live in Barrow, Alaska

Holy Shit dude! This could possibly be the scariest thing ever! If you saw this in a Hollywood movie, you wouldn't believe it for a second. The polar bear was close enough to swipe and inflict 100 wounds on the man, (now surely transferring out of Barrow, Alaska) but not close enough to take him down. Do you know the margin of millimeters between being injured by a polar bear and not being tackled by one?! I'm guessing it's half a millimeter.

Question: WHO THE FUCK was the asshole taking pictures and NOT helping this guy in someway?

Man being chased by bear: CALL...FOR...HELP..BRO!!

Man with camera: One sec dude. I'm getting some great shots. You should see your face!...Bring him around the back side of the car again. He literally gains on you each time and I think I can get both of you in the frame.

Notice that the man entered a "neighboring" truck that was "unlocked". How could he be so sure that it was unlocked? I bet the son of a bitch with the camera told him it was, having no idea if it was or not. What a prick! Instead of offering shelter in his own truck, the cameraman lets this guy run to a neighboring truck. How that guy got the door opened and closed before Mr. Bear ripped his arm off is beyond me. Kudos to you sir for surviving that, but what the fuck are you doing estimating in Barrow, Alaska? There is plenty of earth south of that without hungry polar bears.

And you with the camera, you're a cold blooded son of a bitch...but great shots though! Thanks!!!

When "Keepin It Real" Goes Wrong

Reeeeeelax bro! You know you're having a bad day when your reaction to people talking in the movie theater is to shoot them! James Cialella is clearly not to be fucked with (look at that dude's photo!) and his man-love for Brad Pitt is not to be interrupted.

Granted, there are times in life that I want to shoot people who are talking during the movie but when the thought comes to my head, there is not much I can do about it because I do not bring guns to a movie theater, it's usually not necessary. But Mr. Cialella had the same thought that all of us so often have and then realized that he had a "Kel-Tec .380-caliber handgun clipped inside his sweatpants" and thought that it was time to keep it real.

But if James here was going to shoot the father anyway, did he ALSO have to throw popcorn at the kid? I mean, watching your father get shot right before your eyes in a movie theater is awful enough, let alone having buttery popcorn thrown in your face right before that.

The One Advantage of Being an Obese Culture...

No one wants to eat you. It is interesting to note that the white man is not appetizing whatsoever. Our disgusting diets play to our advantage here as all the fast food intake has left us as about appealing as charred wood. Pungent and salty. Nice.

Take that you healthy, fit Japanese! If we ever found ourselves in the most remote place on earth for a reason unbeknownst to me, your ass is grass!

I am guessing that photographer Iago Corazza was white and a tub of lard. In fact, it is the easiest bet I ever made. And who the hell is wondering if cannibalism still exists?! Yes, it was banned 50 years ago but when the whole tribe tells you what flesh tastes best, it means that they still feast on it. Oh and the fact that they are dying of an illness that one gets from eating human flesh, should tip you off too.

Yup, Still Not News

In what has become the "poster child" for a banwidth wasting article, any news regarding the JonBenet Ramsey death. As sad as it is, do we really need an article which essentially states, "Nothing New Here!" Yup, it's still a mystery, along with every other unsolved crime which have no promising leads. That's not news! That's redundancy.

That's like writing an article, "One Foot In Front Of the Other: Still Called Walking". It's not news. Common knowledge shouldn't be reported. I'm sorry for you idiots out there. Instead of talking about how we still have nothing futher to tell you about regarding the topic we are writing about, maybe CNN can write about all of the starving people in India who are...WTF?...apparently trying to build the tallest cake?! Nevermind that, you get my point!

We the brain dead web surfer should demand that in our moments of mindlessly perusing, we would like to learn something we didn't know, even if we couldn't give two shits about it. Like a 32 ft high cake.

Bill Cowher is a Douchebag

What is it with everyone and their "locker room" material talk? Bill Cower, CBS's Pittsburgh Steelers spokesman was up in arms when Keith Bullock and Lendale White were stomping on a "Terrible Towel" after the Titans dismantled the Steelers to gain home field in advantage in the AFC playoffs. He said, "That looks like a pregame talk the night before to me. If [we'd] meet in the postseason, I know what I'm pulling out the night before the game."

Hey Bill, shut the fuck up.

A) You don't coach. You are sitting on your ass next to Mr. Indecipherable (Shannon Sharpe)

B) This is the NFL. If teams need ADDED motivation to win a game for a trip the Super Bowl, then your team sucks and you suck at motivating. Even if Keith Bullock and Lendale White took massive shits, wiped their ass with the towel and sent it to the Steelers locker room with a note that said, "Hey Steelers. Here is one of your towels back. It has our shit on it because we think you're shit. We tried to send it to Bill Cowher's mom's house but couldn't find her address. Keep sucking at life"...even that shouldn't motivate you more. It's the playoffs. Man up.

Jeff Fisher backs up point B here: "Why would it be a big deal? That if we play [the Steelers] again, they'll play harder? I don't think so."

Let's not forget that Bill Cowher coached the Steelers when Joey Porter was on the team, practically calling out every opponent's sexual orientation before a game. I actually think Joey Porter cock slapped some dude after a sack. What did Bill "No-One-Can-See-My-Front-Teeth-Even-When-I-Smile" Cowher have to say then? Nothing.

Who says you can't stomp on the symbol of the most annoying fan base in the country after whooping the shit out of their team? I think it should be mandatory.

Merry Credit Crunch Christmas

Wow. This video was made by actual bankers whose musical group is called "City Boyz". Balsy. You have to love that British humor. One of the members of the group stated, “We were down O’Neills, pissed as usual and pissed off that we were getting the blame for the crunch all the bloody time. Then we all thought you know what, we don’t really give a shit. We’ve all done OK, sod ’em. One of the guys came up with this chorus. We had the whole pub joining in so we knew were on to something!”

What kind of bar were they at where people started singing along instead of cracking bottles over their heads? WTF! But all in all, I respect these guys. They are using all the proceeds from the moeny they make from the song (it's on Itunes somehow) and....not donating it to anyone. They are just gonna keep getting drunk. How can you hate the humor in that?

If you're angry at City Boyz and/or me, you're going to be extremely angry when you can't get the chorus out of your head.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Stop...FUCKING!

How on earth is shit like this news and why are we glorifying them with a TV show??? WTF! 18 fucking kids?! Are you insane? And if you are NOT insane, have you not had the chance to read about the world's over population and over exhausted natural resource problem? Oh yeah, I forgot. How could you possibly hold a magazine with a kid dangling from your tit for the last 20 years? My bad.

Joshua John-David, Jana, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, and Jordan-Grace...J-J-J Jumpin Jack Jesus! I think I want to throw up. Oh, hold up. I did just throw up. The dad's name is Jim Bob. JIM BOB! I have a headache. This is "Idiocracy" right before our eyes.

"After birth-control pills were blamed for a miscarriage, the couple decided to throw them out. They've had a new baby approximately every 18 months since." Yeah, that's how that shit works. If you ejaculate inside someone not on the pill, they get pregnant. Your semen works. You don't have to keep proving that.

Says the mother, "The time goes by so quickly. I look at my older children and wonder where the time went." Where did the time go????? The time went with you being pregnant and nursing a new baby every 18 months for the last 20 years!!!

The father would have to make Warren Buffet money to feed his wife (clearly she doesn't have a job) and 18 kids! Whoever is donating to this family, stop! You're making it worse.

Jim Bob...Jesus.

NASCAR To Test For........Drugs

It's really no surprise to me in this day and age to find more and more sports testing for performance enhancing substances. Baseball, Basketball, Football (obviously not working, have you seen these guys?), Wrestling (um, see football), NASCAR.......WHAT?

1) Not a sport.

2) You drive a car, that's it.

3) You can't just start testing for shit simply because everybody else is testing for shit.

Let's think about this for a second...what the fuck substance is NASCAR going to test for? Beer? Hot Dogs? Vagisil? These fuckers sit in a seat and turn a wheel. "Oh, Big Lew Al Timber, it's very demanding, they drive like 500 laps," SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU'RE DRIVING A CAR. "Oh, but it's not that easy, they have to turn, hand over hand." Stop it, you're making my anus contract.

Under NO circumstances will I ever consider driving a sport, nor will I believe that any of these total douche-bags need performance enhancing drugs. They need Roadies and Headers, the same way I do.

Here's my NASCAR rap (sung to 2-Peezie, "I get around." Cause I do bitches):

Round and round, round and round, I drive around
gas-break, gas, gas-break, gas-break
gas-break, gas, gas-break, gas-break
I drive around
gas-break, gas, gas-break, gas-break

Longa dan eva

Hope I don't wreck
All respect to those who crain they neck
To keep they whip in check
cuz my crew they sweat my leather majorly and I don know why, my crew chief keep paging me.
To tell me that I'm speedin
Cry when I'm peelin
And every time he see me, he squeese me
Whitey take it EAASY
Hate to sound athleezy, but belieeeze me
My crew chief love ta suck on my deeeezy!

I'm so sick. Boom!

Or, He's Just Not That Into You

In what is being dubbed (by me) as the most misguided/erroneous report of the day, Judy McGuire thinks that she has a clue what guys think and is of course just confusing women more and more.

First of all Judy, the woman that is TOO hot didn't say she got dumped or have her heart broken, she said she couldn't get anyone to date her. "perhaps it wasn't her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage". No, no, no Judy. I think the hot chick had it right. Guys are shallow and they can't handle rejection. So, most don't approach hot chicks. If they never talk to the chick and never get shot down they can still tell all their friends, "Dude, I'm gonna totally bang her."

Secondly, the woman that says that guys break up with her because she is too smart is actually telling the truth. Guys can't stand it when chicks know more than them about...anything. Judy assumes that this imaginary person also has lost all of her female friends because she is mean and condescending. No, it's because women are catty and don't like to be wrong about anything so they team up and hate the girl that is smarter than them.

Thirdly, ladies, if a guy tells you that he is breaking up with you because you are too nice it means that you don't do enough freaky shit in bed. Go ahead, stick your finger in his butt! He won't think you're too nice anymore and he'll actually like you!

Too good in bed? No, that means you were doing some shit that even freaked him out and convinced him that you must have had sex waaaaay too many times to learn the moves you know. He thinks you are a slut and is afraid his penis might disintegrate from STD's. It has nothing to do with how hard you try.

Judy, we only say a woman is too intimidating if she has more money than us. Get a clue. It has nothing to do with her "fabulosity", whatever the fuck that even means. You have no idea what you're talking about. Stop overanalyzing it.

Onward!

To Be Clear, I Would Do This Guy

Let's get one thing straight, I would felate this guy, felate the poop out of him. I'm not gay or anything, but there is no question I would suck Tiger's ass after he ran 7 miles and had diarrhea. Again, I'm not gay or anything (at least I don't think so) Tiger is just awesome.

Sure he's revolutionized golf, turned the world's most boring-ass game into something worth watching every Sunday as your dad drools next to you passed our from last night's snifter of brandy. Sure he bangs supermodels like he's Tom Fucking Brady. Sure he can bench like 700 pounds, squat a kilo, and pull trucks with his dick. But more importantly, he's fucking cool.

How many people have you watched finish a beat-down like Tiger did at the U.S. Open? It's like Willis Reed had sex with Michael Jordan, David Beckham (for his looks of course), and Ghandi - then Tiger popped out.

I am certain that if I walked out onto a driving range and Tiger was there, he could swing his dick and hit balls farther then I could hit my 3-wood. He's Tiger.

This Guy Should Jump Off a Cliff

Come on man, you suck. If I ever met you I would punch you, square in the jaw. In fact, if I ran into you at a Dodger game, I would waive a fucking hotdog at you, you piece of stupid fucking shit. This guy deserves to be shot, for naming his kid Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Let's be real here, Heath Campbell is the most selfish person on earth, and the dumbest. He's ugly too. I have a hard time even writing about this because you know this guy has been craving this sort of attention since he knocked his disgusting wife up 3 years ago. She is brutal, somebody should hit her in the face with a shovel...heinous. I wouldn't fuck her with Hitler's dick, wait, did I just say that?

I'm glad ShopRite wouldn't write his stupid kid's name on the birthday cake, as is just about every other living person on the planet, that goes without saying. What we DO need to talk about is the fact that Heath made this statement:

"I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past,"

Um, hey douche bag, wouldn't NAMING YOUR CHILD ADOLF HITLER be considered living in the past! Are you fucking kidding me? Wake the fuck up man.

Good thing his daughters have such forward thinking names like JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell...WTF!? Aryan Nation? her name is ARYAN NATION?! Focusing on this future Heath is about as forward thinking as blind hate. Nice dude. Honszlynn Hinler is named after Heinrich Himmler. Yeah, the guy who was the head of the SS. Real tolerant there, Campbell. I hope they grow up to marry, Barack Fuck Whitey Johnson and Martin Luther Cracka Ass Cracka King.

Fuck you Campbell, you suck.

Gay Penguins get rights faster than Gay Humans

In quite possibly the biggest "Bro, WTF" shoulder shrug and eye squint to date, it seems as if gay penguins are being given the right to raise their own baby penguin. Is that for real??? I am not gay bashing, nor am I homo-phobic, and I think that gay couples can adopt. Go for it! But those motherfucker "gaynguins" were pulling the Indiana Jones switcheroo trick with mother penguins but instead of using a bag of sand for the idol, they were using the rock for the egg that was on their feet. That is gangster! And that is kidnapping!! How in the fuck, are zoo keepers going to now condone the stealing of eggs from a mother penguin? I don't care if they consider her 'inexperienced'!

People were up in arms that the "Gaynguins" were being ostracized and not allowed to be "surrogate fathers". Surrogate fathers? Get the fuck out here! This is not human society, folks! Not every species HAS to live by our rules. Nature was doing juuuuuust fine before we came along and completely fucked it up.

So how this surrogate father thing works is that they STEAL an egg from a heterosexual couple. Are these same people cool with that? Could you imagine THAT happened in society?

- Ma'am, since this is your first baby and you've never done this before, we are going to take it and give it to Tom, Dick and Harry. They're gonna be great dads! Thanks!

Some bonehead at the zoo said, "It wasn't fair to stop them becoming parents and keep them apart from all the other birds just because of the way nature has made them." Sir, it's also not fair that your child wasn't sold on the black market.

Yeah, yeah! Right In Front of the Stained Glass Window..Like That!

In the latest installment of, "Who The Fuck Ok'd THIS Idea?", Playboy Mexico (there's a Playboy Mexico?) thought it clever to release its December issue days before the most holy of feast days for the Virgin Mary, in a devoutly Catholic country, with a model named Mary on the cover, in front of a stained glass window, with a veil over her head, while she shows a little side titty. Touche Playboy Meh-hee-ka-no...touche.

That brilliant idea didn't go over so well with, well with probably pretty much ever non masturbatory male in the country. But the story only gets better and better as you keep reading. Stay with me.

So, instead of owning up to what is clearly a depiction of the Virgin Mary, Playboy Mexico pulled the 'deny deny deny' defense and said that "The intent was to portray a renaissance-like mood on the cover." WTF? What mood, exactly? The mood you can imagine a horny Michaelangelo creating drunk one night?

Ok, so this is obvious. But the funny thing is that CNN then brings in "one of the best known priests in the United States" who just happens to be named, Fr. Cutie. Really??? With all the sex scandals, the Catholic church is cool with the most famous priest in the U.S. to be called Fr. Cutie???? Come on!! He sounds like the kind of guy who would write a book and call it "Real Life. Real Love." to play on the double meaning of his love for God and for little bo-... Hm? What? He actually DID write a book by that title???? Get the fuck out of here!! That's like OJ Simpson writing a book titled: "If I Did It, Here's How it Happened"....Wait...he DID????

I'm still not sure what is more entertaining, the fact that Playboy clearly used the Virgin Mary as inspiration for the cover or that the most famous priest in the U.S. is named Fr. Cutie with a book out called: "Real Life. Real Love."

Gotta love sex & religion, huh?

Yes, That is a Cemetary, Dumbshit

Florida is getting closer and closer to becoming Texas and it's really starting to piss me off. I thoroughly enjoy saying things like, "Only in Texas" or "What a stupid Texan." But Florida is really starting to nip at Texas's heels, or cankles I should say.

Today's Captain Fucking Obvious Award definitely goes to Florida Govenor Charlie Crist who decided that a small plot of land in Marianna, Florida, just next to Florida's School for Boys, that is covered with old white crosses, just MIGHT be a cemetary. I'm sorry dude, but what the fuck else would that be? Tell me. Tell me now.

Yeah the story is horrible, makes your blood boil for the pricks that did this to those kids, but I'm almost more upset with the retards that can't figure out whether or not this is a damn cemetary. Open your fucking eyes.

It's About Time

This guy deserves a medal, a brownie, a bj, all three at the same time actually. Where's Rachel Ray when you need her. My new hero, this guy, chucked his dirty shoes at George Bush in Baghdad on Sunday, missing his face by centimeters.

Apparently he was upset at the fact that George Bush insisted on turning his already shitty country into an even shittier one by blasting it to pieces and imposing military rule over a virtually lawless nation. Wouldn't you be pissed?

And the great thing is, he had the balls to take his shoes off and throw them at the leader of the free world. Now Jack Bauer is probably biting his nipples off one at a time while raping his children, but that's worth being the first guy to throw your shoes at GW. What a guy.

It could be the UFO's, or....

it could be because your 42 dogs are living in a 5'x9' box, rooting and sleeping in their own fecal matter. In another case of "Why Texas Should Be Allowed To Secede From The Union If It Wants To", a clearly mentally stable woman was first of all allowed to purchase 42 dogs, and then decided that a hostel/family living style would be the best environment for them. Of course, the hostel/family living style she was conforming to was the Nazi definition for it.

When some of the dogs started mysteriously dying, she ignored all logic, fact and common sense arguments and decided to get the answer wrong to the first question of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire".

Regis: For $100, your 42 dogs are suffering and dying needless deaths. What is the reason they are NOT dying? A) They live in a 5'x9' death cage; B) They are wallowing in their own shit; C) The pups were being born into those piles of shit; D) Circling UFO's

L. Ron Hitler: D, final answer.

Dear Lord, please get rid of us.

170 Arrested for Being Disgusting

I simply can't understand this. Who on Earth gets off watching another human touch a child? Apparently at least 170 perverts in both the US and Europe do(editor's note: These people should be shot in the face), and fortunately these 170 have been arrested. I hope they all go spend years in the same jail where gorillas fuck them with coconuts while they look at pictures of Greg Oden. Boom.

But what's even more disturbing is that the sting operation was titled "Operation Joint Hammer." Umm what? Is it really appropriate to call an operation in which you're freeing children from the grips of hell, Operation Joint Hammer? How about Operation Rescue, or Operation We'll End This Shit, Operation Kill Perverts, anything other then Joint Hammer. That's a whole lot more appropriate for the title of the Roast of Cheech and Chong.

But what's better is the name Europe chose for it's operation. Ready for this? "Operation Koala," because that sounds nice. This begs the question, what is the purpose of these absurd names? Do they want the agents to laugh when they bring up particular undercover cases? Or are these people just as fucked up as the one's they pursue?

Agent Smith: Hey Jones, what's going on with Operation Koala? Still fuzzy?

Agent Jones: Still fuzzy sir, in fact, soft like a child's ass.

Agent Smith: Good Jones, let's keep it that way.

Agent Jones: My pleasure Smith.

That's disgusting.

Someone Should be Arrested

There are hobbies, and then there are hobbies which you should be arrested for. If there isn't a warrant out for Sandra Hartness's arrest, there damn well should be. WTF! "She looks like she's got the hump. And who could blame her?" Oh you think this is funny???? I'm sure the poodle "loved" the grooming process. It only took 2 hours!! Anyone would "love" anything if you were sedated with chloroform first. Because that's essentially the only way to get something/someone to NOT move while you cut their hair to make it look like there was a clump of shit on their back.

Wait, wait wait!!! There's a competitive grooming circuit?!?! And there are rules?! Only in the U.S! The rest of the world struggles to hydrate themselves with clean water and we're so fucking bored out of our minds that we make our pets look like OTHER animals and then compete with other parasitic resource consuming Neanderthals.

Wait, wait wait!!! She's been doing this for 7 years! This brings income????

Wait, wait, wait!!! There's a trade magazine called, "Groomer and Groomer"?? Are you fucking kidding me?

People used to put silly costumes on things they owned even though those things didn't want to be dressed up. It was called slavery. Why are we allowed to do this to animals? Look at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle! He looks fuuuuuurious!!! It doesn't even look like he is standing on anything! Is he hanging by cables? Jack Bauer wouldn't even torture someone to this level!

The first time Sandra was at an event she got sick. Not because of the fact that her dog looked like a walking fucking disaster like it had been kidnapped by a bunch of fucked up 10-year old kids with a whole lot of paint and hedge trimmers, but because she was nervous! Sandra, I hope for your sake you never talk about your life struggles to say...ANYONE! You would make the worst motivational speaker in history.

She thinks her dog Cindy is under so much pressure while on that viewing table and she can't understand how she remains so calm. Your fucking dog is ashamed of itself!!! It's so calm because it has lost face! It's waiting for the guillotine to drop. It's begging you! Cindy wags her fucking tail when she's off the table because she's happy that the most uncomfortable moment in her entire life is finally over.

It's so progressive that they "let" the dogs go to the bathroom during the show. That's newsworthy? Because if you didn't, you and Michael Vick are one in the same according to me.

Poor Sandra though. She's from Yucca Valley and her dog REALLY is her best friend. She fucking brings it to work. That's pathetic. Good thing she can talk to Cindy and find out that indeed Cindy loves it more than she does. Phew! I feel better now that I know how Cindy feels.

Oh and Sandra, when Cindy sees that bag you bring out before competitions, she gets excited because she is hoping you are mailing her far far away from Yucca Valley.

Fuck!

There's a Skull - It's a Crime Scene

I just now realized why this whole Caylee Anthony case has been such a huge deal over the past few months. Not because this poor little girl Caylee was brutally murdered by her mother, no, not that. Actually, it's because the people investigating this absurdity are retarded. They're brain dead. Slower then slow.

This morning, while the entire Orlando police department was drinking orange juice, a utility meter reader (worst job in the history of America I'm sure) made the biggest discovery this entire case has seen since June. He found a human skull. A HUMAN FUCKING SKULL, RIGHT NEXT TO GRANDPA'S HOUSE! Dude was checking the meter, minding his business, and found a fucking skull.

How fucking hard is this? What on earth have the police been doing this whole time? I guess when sheriff Anthony tells his men to 'investigate the property,' maybe the surrounding area, he directs them NOT to consider anything that might look like a child's remains. Especially not a skull. A human skull!?!

Fortunately, sheriff Anthony has everything under control. Anthony kindly alerted everybody to the fact that the house has the "possibility of being more of a crime scene later." You mean, now that a utility meter reader found a skull there? Are you sure about this!?! Think this through sir, with all due respect. It's only a child's skull. But I guess he probably did think about it, which is why it has the "possibility...." Jesus Christ dude.

Dear NY Post:

If the recession bug bites you, I know just the thing to implement to save money. Fire Mark Hale. Mark is collecting a paycheck from you for writing such show stoppers as this. "..Create Great Gesticulate Debate"? There are three main issues with this title.

1) It's a blatant lie. No one, and I mean NO ONE is debating this subject matter, at all. Ever.

2) If someone proved me wrong and had this debate in front of my face, it certainly would be the worst debate in the history of debates. Worst is of course pretty much opposite of "great"

3) You know Mark was out getting drunk on a Wednesday night and needed to get something into his editor so he camouflaged his hot steamy poop of reporting in a rhyming alliteration of gift wrap.

This article could have said, "K-Rod is an annoying prick. Here is what people have said about him..." and it would have offered up the same amount of knowledge as his article. It WON'T be interesting to see if fans get bothered because they won't be bothered. Fans don't give a fuck what their team does as long as they are winning. K-Rod could take a dump on top of the opposing teams dugout after a win and the Met faithful would cheer him on.

Lastly, anytime the meat of your article that drives home the point, is a quote from Jack Cust, write about something else.

Time For a Life Re-evaluation

When your job entails dressing up as Santa and having kids sit on your lap and ask you for shit, you can be pretty sure that you will second guess a few decisions that you made in life. When your job entails dressing up as Santa and having animals sit on your lap, you wonder if the sperm race you won to your mother's egg, was fixed.

Holy Shit! Southern Florida, get your shit together! YOU are the people who lost the 2000 election for us??? You can't figure out a ballot with 2 names on it but you can organize a "Pets and Pina Colada Fundraiser" where completely undomesticatable animals without the awareness of the happenings around them whatsoever, have to take part in a human created fairy tale?! Erroneous!

And there's an event photographer? I don't know what's worse...getting shat on by an animal that has no business EVER having the upperhand on you or being the person responsible for documenting it. And what in the Sam Hell is a Sugar Glider!?

Santa, here's some advice, use up your sick days. They don't roll over next year. Get the fuck out of there!

Reading This Article Might Make Your Head Explode

I am only saying that because I am picking up the remnants of my own skull with a Dustbuster after reading this life changing report. It is Exhibit A when proving that there is absolutely nothing left to report on in this world, except for the things that should be being reported on. I don't get this. None of it. I can't believe it's wasting bandwidth. Sigh. Anyhow, it's amazing that since this is an article about something remotely sexual, the male is of course blamed in the first sentence. Standard operating procedure. How is he blamed for the fact that she chose not to breathe through her nose?

Were these people kissing while free diving? Anytime we are talking about "reduced pressure" and "pulling the ear drum out", I think of Ed Harris plummeting to the ocean floor in The Abyss. What the fuck were they doing?!? Was this man trying to resuscitate her? How on earth do you "cause the breakdown of an ear" while kissing? Being Chinese, you'd think that the last thing they were was sexually frustrated (clearly, the Chinese have no problem reproducing), but maybe these two were the most horny people on the planet. Then again, all it takes is to have one of the subjects be male to have at least one of the most horny people on the planet.

Yes, proceed with caution when you are kissing someone who has the jaws of a snake and wants to completely envelope your head.

This Just In: People are Stupid

It's amazing what people can convince themselves of when they don't utilize their brain. Folks in Arizona are convinced that a completely random spot on a sidewalk which looks nothing like a human form whatsoever, is indeed the Virgin Mary. Makes sense.

"We touched the image; we thought it was water. You can't get no stain on your hand, so we know its the Virgin Mary." Huh? That's your logic progression?! This random spot on a dirty sidewalk isn't water so therefore it can't be anything else but the completely imaginary Virgin Mary. It wasn't bad enough that ONE person fell off the rocker but there were so many people there to see the image that people couldn't fucking get to their houses!! These people need a hobby.

Continuing on the self assurance of incomprehensible thought, these boneheads who think a random stain is a mystical being, they think they know WHY it is here!! "She comes out because she wants everyone to know its her birthday and it's something she wants us to celebrate. It's just something that she's happy for." If Jesus does exist, he's shaking his head in disappointment to his master creation.

Feeling inanity in the air, some other dude in Arizona 'saw' Jesus in his stucco. More newsworthy apparently, is that he still lives in that house. Who gives a rats ass?

I have a headache.

Are They Brain Dead?

It just never gets old, does it? I know rich athletes think that the law doesn't apply to them and they can, in certain situations, weasel out of charges because they are rich and famous, but as a wise man once said, "If you give someone the hand, they'll take the arm."

I can understand the marijuana possession but wouldn't you, knowing that you are driving with marijuana in your car, NOT speed? Just for this trip? No? Ok. But if you were going to speed, with marijuana spread out through your car, wouldn't you at least make sure that your car was registered? And if not registered, wouldn't you at least have it insured???

"Sir, you have no license plates, you were doing 150 mph and smoke was billowing out of your car like this was Cheech & Chong's Up In Smoke. Frankly, I'm not so sure how you were able to even see the road." Shaun Ellis thought that at that point, it would be good to cause a stink. Shaun Ellis clearly lives a "Motherfucker, FUCK YOU!" kind of life.

He is the captain of the Jets. Doesn't he have people that do this registration and insurance thing for him? Don't people tell him..."Dude, it's best to not berate a cop when you have clearly just broken 4 laws"? I don't get it.

He gets no suspension whatsoever and the Jets apoogized for him! You know you are in the playoff hunt when that happens. This motherfucker didn't even apologize! The TEAM did! "He's sorry...yadda yadda yadda...needs to be a better example...role model..legal course...annnd we're done. I think he's suffered enough!"

Phew! Thank God Sean Avery got a 6 game suspension and has to go to counseling for not breaking the law. Way to go NFL & NHL!

Man, I thought Hot Wheels were cool!

What the? After seeing this sweet article and taking the red pill to see how deep the rabbit hole went, my crack team of investigators and I found the mother company behind these amazing toys.

The thing that had me laughing for about 30 straight seconds was the fact that they dubbed the Al-Qaeda inspired figure a "bandit" and in true Tarantino lore, called him: "Mr. White". Aren't 8 fragmentation grenades a bit excessive? Seems like after you tossed about 2-3 and people started firing back at you, the last thing you'd want dangling in front of your chest are 5-6 MORE grenades.

The WWII U.S Marine Sergeant and Army Sergeant are carrying the largest handgun I have ever seen. Seriously, it is almost the entire length of their leg. The Marine Sergeant has so much confidence in his handgun that he is holding his sub machine gun by the barrel! Balsy! Their stubble is quite popular seeing as to how both of them are backordered! (Who the eff is ordering these things? Must be Republicans)

Spy Bond isn't back ordered because he looks like a French bitch!

The write up for the WWII German SS Major sounds convincing: "'Vee haff vays of making you talk..' The Major is the man you hope never to meet when you are captured behind enemy lines. Count your fingernails as you will have fewer after meeting him." Jesus! Those SS seem like they don't fuck around...Hmmm? Oh they in fact DIDN'T fuck around?? My bad. Double RPG's too?!? That's serious!

It's cool for kids to play with these but Sean Avery gets suspended using the words "sloppy seconds"? Remember kids, kill, but don't have sex!

Chill the Fuck out Wolverine!

How I stumbled upon this is article is beyond me, I guess this kinda shit happens when you sit at home alone all night drinking boones farm and doing blow. Regardless, this is the coolest toy ever and I want it for Christmas.

With The Skull and Bones Gauntlet (fucking Gauntlet? Clearly I've been mis-using this word for my entire life) "there is no question you are the man in charge." Really? Is that because you have fucking 17 inch blades strapped to your hands? Or because you are the only guy with big enough balls to walk into a room dressed like Wolverine's sister? I mean, this is flat out dangerous. I'm terrified of the man that needs to strap on a Skull and Bones Gauntlet in order to feel like the man in charge. That's scarier then the goddamn boogy man.

But that's not all, "the monstrous handspike will not only protect your grip but will send your foes running in the other direction." You fucking think? Again, those are 17 inch blades! And what fucking "foes" do you need to approach wearing this? Obviously this isn't for the guy who loses a pickup basketball game at the gym. Can you imagine that?

Guy 1: Swish, game over bitches

Guy 2: Shit

Guy 1: Better luck next time son, who's got next!?

Guy 2: Oh yeah, just wait till I strap on my gauntlet.

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2 runs to his bag and grabs this ...thing....

Guy 2: HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW WITH MY MONSTEROUS HANDSPIKE WITH 17 INCH BLADES COMING OUT OF MY HAND! YOU WILL PERISH!

Guy 1: Fuck

Disgusting. That's it.

I don't even know if this is fair to talk about, but whatever, I'm an asshole. And this is downright disgusting so fuck it, here goes. Only in Texas will you find a 62 year old woman infested with maggots. Maggots. Let me paint you a picture, or...not.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, the lady has TWO first names!!?! Linda Sue? What, is she a Spears? Fuck her parents, that was cruel and unusual. And to make matters worse, she lived with her 38 year old son!!?! What the fuck is wrong with THAT guy!?! Only in Texas right?

Oh, and she got maggots. Same way you or I could catch a cold, or maybe the flu, bitch got maggots. In Texas that happens from time to time, I guess...? Fuck it, I'll be honest, I have no idea how this kind of thing happens, I'm as disgusted as you are.

According to Fox News (hmmm Texas) Linda Sue Laura Jenny Renee (that's sarcasm) "did not like going to doctors." You don't say? Maybe that's why she got infested with maggots! Jesus H Christ lady, like it or not if you find maggots living off your skin, go to the damn clinic!

Unfortunately she may not survive, or maybe, fortunately. In a perfect world her son's would die too.

Most Absurd Domestic Violence Ever?

Each and every sentence of this article gets more and more absurd and it forces you to re-read it several times until you can figure out what the fuck is going on, who is breaking parole, who is in anger management classes, what the charges were, why is he banging his wife if he is estranged from her, and what in the sam hell a tri-state woman is?

Ok, so the first question most would ask after comprehending the sentence, "he was reaching for something on the nightstand when the pistol went off, hitting his estranged wife Carolyn in the upper chest" is, was he reaching for the gun? I think not. I think the gun was in this dude's hand as he was tagging his wife (that scene is just downright ri-goddamn-diculous). Of course, there is the possibility that he shot her a la Rocco shot his girlfriend's cat in Boondock Saints. Which, of course, would have been equally mind blowing.

But when you get beyond the sex pistols you start wondering what kind of Cro-Magnon relationship did these two people have? They were estranged. He had beaten her before and gone to jail for it. But his charge for shooting his wife was "for violating a civil protection order that Carolyn had taken out against him earlier this year." Huh? NOT for shooting his wife?!?!

One would think that the fact that a man who was arrested for violating a restraining order by inserting his penis into his wife (whom he had previously beaten) while a loaded gun was at the VERY LEAST within arm's distance of him, that he essentially raped her.

Aye, but there's the rub! The dude's bond was set at 75k "due to alleged prohibited contact between the parties." WTF? They make it sound like she she invited him over? Shit, if you invite a guy over for sex who used to beat you and who you already have a restraining order on...if you get shot, you get shot.

That is Ir-Fucking-Relevant

Why is it so hard to tell boy polar bears from girl polar bears? This is the kind of thought that runs through my head as I squeeze out a terribly hard shit. No, actually this is what MSN is trying to teach me today thanks to the genius of Juliet Lapidos.

Thanks Juliet, and thank you MSN for attempting to enlighten me to the sex determination of fucking polar bears. Here's my message for you: I DO NOT CARE. A polar bear is a BEAR, and that is all that matters. If and when I encounter a polar bear, my instinct will not be to walk up and figure out whether or not I can jerk the thing off, instead it will be to get the fuck out of there, because again, it is a big fucking bear.

Bears fuck people up on a regular basis, in fact, they are probably more dangerous than sharks, earthquakes, or professional athletes. So regardless of whether or not the big fluffy white thing is male or female is completely fucking irrelevant.

What's even worse is the fact that Juliet points out that handlers at the Kushiro Municipal Zoo in northern Japan tried and failed to mate two polar bears because both bears were chicks. Fucking idiots. Here's my advice to you for next time: Find the bear that has a huge dick, and find the other bear that said bear with huge dick tries to mount from behind. Then mate. Jesus.

Fat Charlie to Stay in South Bend

You're kidding right? The Fightin Irish can't seriously want to keep Charlie Weis around can they? But of course. Looks like Fat Charlie will be on board to sink the ship for another year, maybe six.

Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick determined the "best course of action" would be to keep Fat Charlie on for at least 365 more days. Was somebody threatening to rape his children? Did Mr. Weis offer him millions and a handy or two for keeping him around? "Best course of action" sir, with all due respect, would be to pull your head out of Charlie's disgusting colon and WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Notre Dame has become horrible. Terrible. An absolute disgrace to the college football I was raised on. So I guess the "best course of action" would then be to let the guy who's already had 4 years to turn things around, continue to piss away a legacy and tradition thicker then the Irish accent itself?

10 Year contract, commitment to doing everything possible to be successful in 2009, blah blah blah. You guys suck. Fucking suck. Come to the party, please!

Sean Avery: Suspended for Telling Facts

Bro, WTF!? I thought hockey players were supposed to be tough! Sean Avery gets suspended because he said that fellow hockey player, Dion Phaneuf (jeez, THAT'S a manly name), was having his "sloppy seconds" in regards to dating Elisha Cuthbert. Suspended?! For being awesome?!?!?

All of a sudden Gary Bettman and the Dallas Stars scream bloody murder as if that was out of line. We're such a bunch of prude fucks in this country! Avery would have been awarded a medal anywhere else. Teammates were saying that Avery crossed the line and he didn't paint the organization in good light, yadda yadda yadda. WTF? Avery was calling out some ferry who was tagging his ex-girlfriend. Is that not allowed all of a sudden?

Is this Sunday School? No, this is hockey. The sport where you can legally take your gloves off and punch someone in the face repeatedly until he falls down. The sport which robbed a year and a half of hockey from its fans because of money. And now you're gonna tell me that a guy can't call out Phaneuf for clearly being the bitch that he is? Did Avery threaten the president? Did he curse on live TV? Did he assault someone? No. Cuthbert is clearly a whore and Avery was just stating the facts for everyone at home. Shouldn't every kid have the right to know a fact of life? That girls that they fall in love with will eventually turn around a bang some other dude with a girly French name? I guess if Avery had said, "Hey guys, did you know that the sky was blue?", he should have been suspended too. The logic would be the same.

I'm disgusted at this injustice. Keep doing steroids though guys! It sells more tickets! Let's just not let kids know that sex and sluts actually exist.

I Guess the Giants Haven't Been Through Enough

As if having your star wide receiver shoot himself in the goddamn leg isn't enough of a distraction, the New York Giants are dealing with a new problem this afternoon. Turns out another receiver, Steve Smith, was robbed at gunpoint the night of November 25th.

Now I know what you're thinking...Where was Plaxico while all this was going down? Obviously HOLDING THE FUCKING GUN!

Either Plax is pissed now that he isn't the only guy catching Eli's balls (pun intended), or the motherfucker is just crazy. I'm guessing crazy.

Why wouldn't Plaxico hold up Steve Smith's chauffer-driven hooptie? I would. That bitch went to USC, the home of pussies and daddy's girls, or daddy's girl's pussies, whatever. He couldn't even wash the tires on the Mercedes BUS that Plaxico took to the courthouse.

When Tom Coughlin was asked what he thought about this, he threw a chair.

News: American teenagers are pieces of shit

It seems as if some people are surprised at the fact that the world's most spoiled age group in the world's most spoiled country continually turn out to be jackasses. What is most surprising is that this article seems to forget the drug induced haze that the orgy having teenagers of the 60's and 70's lived through.

Furthermore, whoever wrote this article is probably equally shocked that the 'God Fearers' are bigger rule breakers than the non-believers. This still surprises people? God fearers = kids that go to private schools = parents with way too much money = parents that pamper their kids = kids that turn into the biggest fuckups ever.

But wait a second, this article suprises me! Shouldn't the amount of kids that lied or cheated on exams be 100%?! EVERYONE lies, no?! I recently read a study that the average person lies 3 times in a 10 minute conversation. So, relax, author of this article, with your doomsday cry! "It doesn't bode well for the future when these youngsters become the next generation's politicians and parents, cops and corporate executives, and journalists and generals," How could it get any worse than the present? We have an Ivy League grad who was beyond pampered as a kid, did WAY too many drugs growing up, and pretty much made a living lying for the past 8 years as President of the United States leaving us in the worst political and economic situation of the recent past. Oh and all of his political, law enforcing and corporate executive friends were even worse than he was, so go fuck yourself.

Kids, keep believing in God, lie, cheat and steal and continue being the bane of society's existence! It's what EVERY kid before you did, don't worry! Some of you will end up in jail while some of you will be president one day!

Wait a minute, he what!?!

According to a few news sources, or more accurately, every single sports agency in the United States, Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg Friday night. No no no, he didn't shoot a load on his leg. He didn't drop a shot on his leg while at a club in New York City. He SHOT HIMSELF IN THE FUCKING LEG. Imagine the phone call Tom Coughlan received Saturday morning:

TOM: Hello.

Special Agent to the New York Giants Jack Mauer: Tom, it's Jack.

TOM: What's up Jack?

JACK: Plax shot himself in the leg.

TOM: What?

JACK: Plax shot himself in the leg.

TOM: Fuck you asshole.

JACK: Tom, Plax shot himself in the leg last night. With a gun.

TOM: What?

JACK: Yeah, at a club in New York. He shot himself in the right thigh.

TOM: Jack, I swear to god I will rip your fucking ears off if you're fucking with me right now.

JACK: Tom, he shot himself in the leg, I dont' know what you want me to say.

TOM: Did anybody see this?

JACK: Yeah, Antonio (Pierce) 'got rid of the gun.'

TOM: That's it motherfucker, you're a dead man!

The only thing that could have possibly made this story any better was if Burress had actually shot his own dick off. Imagine that, "Plaxico Burress shoots penis off in New York nightclub." That exchange would have gone like this:

Unsuspecting beautiful young lady: Wow, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

PLAX: Gun bitch.

LADY: Why do you have a gun Plaxico?

PLAX: Al Queda Bitch.

LADY: What do you mean Al Ceda?

PLAX: Plax gots ta difend dis house.

LADY: What?

PLAX: Gun Bitch. Ouch. Shot my dick.

Black Friday Retardation

Black Friday is that day when most Americans sit at home and sleep off their post Thanksgiving hangover. To some Americans, it is a day which causes unexplainable behavior outside and inside shopping centers. Erica Preuss enjoyed Thanksgiving so much that she probably went to bed at 8PM so she could be at Wal-Mart at 3 fucking 30 in the morning! What's more amazing is that there were a bunch of people already in the store! Are you fucking kidding me??

Erica refers to herself as a "Black Friday Virgin", and I refer to Erica as a 'virgin' because I don't think anyone would have sex with someone who woke up at 2:30 in the morning the day after Thanksgiving and then referred to themselves as a "Black Friday Virgin". I'm willing to bet that she has her virginity in "awesomeness" too.

She states, "So apparently Wal-Mart did take pity on the poor souls standing outside in the cold and let people into the store early." Pity on people who chose to be there?! No, pity needs to be handed to the people and families affected by the Mumbai attacks. Fire hoses and scalding oil tossed from the roof is what should have been taken on the idiots sleeping outside of a Wal-mart the evening of Thanksgiving.

Another intelli-shopper stated, "Whoa, look at all these people. I'm less worried about the economy than I might have been." Somewhere in the world...the rest of the world is shaking its head.

The funniest part of this article was the story about a guy who stole a 42" television from some guys' cart when he wasn't looking. Ah, the holiday spirit indeed. I know that most people that are shopping this early might not have a lot of mney for Christmas. I just wish someone would have told them that the Black Friday sales were going all weekend in most stores. I guess you could have spent Thanksgiving indoors instead of camping out in a frozen parking lot.

New York Media Nonsense

Last night at MSG, Lebron James was getting showered with every accolade and good cheer excpet seemingly free blowjobs (then again, I have no idea what happened after the shoot around) as the Big Apple was hoping to woo him to join the Knicks next wee..."Hmmm? Oh it's not next week? People sure made it feel like it was going to be next week...Oh it's not until the summer? Oh ok, that still seems a little prema...What's that?...In the summer of 2010?!" Really? Is this subject any bit necessary right now? This is like the Iowa Caucus in terms of Election Day.

The media is like that creepy dude (ok, friends of mine) that kept saying, "Dude, as soon as Hayden Panettiere, turns 18 in 1.5 years, I can't wait to try and bang her!" a few years back. RELAX everyone! We have 2 full basketball seasons before the guy enters free agency. Is there really nothing else happening in sports that we can't talk about the here and now? Like how the Jets won a big football game and look pretty good?.."Wait, what? They're talking about the Super Bowl matchup with the Giants? Already? But it's not even Thanksgiving!"

The combination of these two stories is like a premature ejaculation while with a 16-year old Hayden Panettiere..."Yeah, that would not be good for a lot of reasons, you dirtbag...let alone it being illegal."

New York Media, find something else to talk about please.

This Guy's Just Better Than You

In a blog dedicated to the absurdity of the "news" we're blessed with on a daily basis, this is one of those rare moments in which we'll shed light on a story that deserves more press. Myron Rolle's Penis. Why AREN'T we talking about this!?!?!

Well, actually all of Myron Rolle, because this man is just better than you. Hell, he might even be better then me. Let's count the ways:

1) He plays college football at Florida State, thus he's an excellent athlete, more excellent then you.

2) He won a Rhodes Scholarship. He's smarter than you.

3) Nice Guy.

4) Great family.

5) Strong.

6) Good Looking.

7) And obviously he has a huge penis, he's black and weighs like 240.

Hooray For a Family of Douchebags

Apparently Oprah is so fed up with all the terrible economic news circulating lately she decided to take her anger out on an unsuspecting family. Instead of delivering millions of dollars in cheer this year, Oprah took a fat shit on the "Thriftiest Family" she could find. Look how pathetic these people are...!

"The Heinz family has $70,000 in savings." Congratulations! Based on the flattering picture Oprah.com decided to include in the article, you both look to be nearing your 50's. An entire $70,000 in savings at 50? With all due respect, are you kidding me? Let me ask you how you plan on retiring with a whopping $70,000 in the bank. Oh that's right, you'll continue living like cavemen in the Great Depression.

"With a prepaid cell phone used only for emergencies, the family's monthly bill is just $5." Please tell me you're not looking for any kind of applause for this. What are you, Amish? That's ridiculous. With that $40 you save every month on a cell phone bill, can you cover the hospital expenses you face everytime your children get beat up simply for sucking?

"Sue has found a way to snip $550 from their yearly budget by cutting the family's hair herself." What did you buy a Flowbee? Again, your poor children.

And the real irony behind this story is the fact that it comes to you from the aforementioned Oprah! Oprah poops $100 bills and wipes with $20s. Maybe she could offer to pay the damn cell phone bill and get the children a decent haircut. Greedy bitch! How on earth something like this becomes NATIONAL NEWS is beyond me.

NFL Official: NFL Games Are Not Fixed

Well no shit. Let me be the first to express my amazement to the fact that an NFL Official, more accurately speaking the NFL's Vice President of Officiating, declared that, get this, NFL games are not fixed. http://www.fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/78610.

Incredible!?! I can't believe the NFL isn't in bed with Las Vegas and every bookie across the country. I was totally under the impression that every time an official ducked under the "replay hood" he hopped on the phone with Johnny Legbreak, director of handicapping at your local Indian Casino.

Thank God the NFL came out and cleared that all up for us. Oh, why should we believe them you ask? It's obvious isn't it? If the NFL declares it's own innocense then it has to be true. It's no different than Mr. Jonathan Cochran, who was being paid by O.J. Simpson, declaring that Sir O.J. did NOT commit the crime. Never saw THAT coming!

Is Sarah Palin Really Still Relevant?

In noting CNN's article: http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/22/palin.popularity.oprah.ap/index.html

I can't help but wonder why the hell we are still talking about Sarah "the brain" Palin. Really? Everyone wants to interview her? Book deals? MOVIES?!? Have we lost our collective minds? Movies?!?! Why do we care about a close minded, baby producing machine who happens to be the governor of our Arctic state? Surely we really can't still be interested in anything she has to say (frankly, as soon as you say that Creationism should be taught in schools alongside Evolution, you lose all credibility as a human being) unless you want to know what window of the helicopter she chooses to shoot out of when hunting moose.

We are a society obsessed with celebrity but this is absurd. She was John McCain's running mate because she was a woman, she was hot and she shared the comically absurd views of the Evangelical base. She is the flavor of the month or she SHOULD have been the flavor of the month. The fact that we are keeping this flatliner on life support is infuriating.

Operative Word: Bear

Ok, anyone that wants" to just cuddle" with an animal that has the word "bear" in its name is an idiot: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081122/ap_on_re_as/as_china_panda_bites_student So let me get this straight, a perfectly sane man, 20 years of age jumped a 6.5 foot fence at a zoo because he thought it was a good idea to hug a bear? Why does this guy get interviewed after getting bitten on his arms and legs?

Oh hey guys look! A woodchipper. I'm gonna go jump in it real quick because I like moving parts. It's a fucking bear! A park employee was asked if the zoo would add signage to the park. That's like having to put additional signs up at a firing range stating, "Please try to not catch munitions."

Audra Ang, who wrote this article, makes the astonishingly trivial point of, "Pandas, which generally have a public image as cute, gentle creatures, are nonetheless wild animals that can be violent when provoked or startled." We really need to be told this?!

I swear to God, we humans are de-evoving.

Let Me Tell You Something About Pirates

Ok, new rule. We can't call what's happening off the coast of Somalia and the Straights of Malacca as 'pirate activity' anymore. They are armed robbers. Pirates not only robbed people at sea who also usually had guns, swards and means to protect themselves but they sacked cities, raped, pillaged and plundered those on land when they had to port. You really can't compare a bunch of gun toting fools on a go-fast boat who commandeer a defenseless oil tanker with the maneuverability of a floating corpse, as pirates. The Vikings would be insulted. I was on a boat once that went around the world and late at night we would have "pirate watch". It consisted of men standing on the back of the boat with flashlights and fire hoses. That's not "pirate watch", that's trying not to get robbed. "Pirate watch" would be having guns, cannons and hidden rooms to hide the women and children.