We've Moved!!!!

Hey guys...we've upgraded to our own server. Check us out at www.browtf.com Thanks!

Stupid Nerves

WTF is going on with the nerves in my leg? Systematically, when I'm on the toilet playing Brick Breaker on my CrackBerry, the elbows digging into my lower thigh/upper knee region cause my legs to fall asleep after about 8.5 minutes. EVERY TIME!

You hear stories of people surviving in the forest for days without food or water and I can't go 9 minutes without turning into a paraplegic on the shitter? It's absurd. And the only way to get the feeling back in my legs is to actually stand up. What a fun moment that is as I try to walk back to my office with the sure footing of a new born giraffe.

Bro, WTF!

Oh Good

No one ever really wants to know where their food comes from. If you did, you would probably choose to starve to death. Take for instance, your meat. I dare you to watch this. I'm sure that none of this is TOO much of a surprise. Afterall, we have a hard enough time looking at a pimple faced dude at Burger King who is putting our Whopper together, and he is literally the LAST cog in the chain from cow to your mouth.

We would much rather take a Whopper that was pre made, already wrapped and sitting in one of the heating bins. Just knowing that you can see the exact drugged out 16-year old kid who had his grubby paws all over what you are about to eat makes us uncomfortable for some reason. (Amazing how those Hibachi restaurants remain so popular. We trust the Japanese apparently. Very honorable society, I guess.)

But anyhow, to my point. Heeeeeeere's your favorite state again in the news! TEXAS BABY! Not only are they unsure if evolution should be taught in schools, it turns out that "God's best" creation in the Lone Star state also has no problem with dead rats, rat shit, and bird feathers mixed in with your peanuts either. Yummy!

The Texas Department of State Health Services on Thursday ordered the recall of all products ever shipped from the Peanut Corporation of America's plant in Plainview, Texas.

Ever? Jeez. That can't be good. How shotty of an opertaion are you running that on the same day you cut the ribbon and open your plant, there are rats festering, shitting and dying in the vents above where the peanuts are mixed? Let alone explaining the feathers.

The state has the authority to stop a company's operations and order a recall if it finds "a condition that poses an immediate and serious threat to human life or health," as was the case here, he said.

Is this supposed to be comforting? Texas has the authority to stop things from happening that might kill its people? Phew! I think Penguin colonies have been using the same logic for millions of years. I'm glad to see that things are running tip top in Austin.

Maybe there's no such thing as peanut allergies after all? Maybe it was the fact that our bodies had a difficult time processing rotting rat with a side of shit? Who knew?

Idiocracy

Reason #2 today why I want to secede from the human race. C'mon. Seriously?? You didn't see this coming? You don't have a job and you already had 6 kids that you could barely provide for so you thought the responsible thing to do would be to have 6 eggs jammed into hoo-ha so that you could have 6..whoops, EIGHT more? You're retarded. And now you're looking for donations? That's like killing someone and then asking the victim's family to help you with bail money.

I hope you don't get a penny from anyone. I hope they take your kids away from you so that they grow up with some care and food so they don't rob me in 15 years! (thanks Chris Rock) Nice decision making lady. When your kids are old enough to comprehend what the fuck you just did as they are rummaging for crumbs to eat, I'm sure they'll say, "Hey mom, WTF?"

"I'm providing myself to my children," Nadya Suleman told NBC in her first interview. "I'm loving them unconditionally, accepting them unconditionally, everything I do. I'll stop my life for them and be present with them and hold them and be with them. And how many parents do that?"

Be present with them and hold them....while they're starving to death??? You're such a sweetheart!! You're right! How many parents would choose to double the litter when feeding the first half was more challenging than solving a Rubix Cube.

Good thing the planet isn't running out of resources and it can totally handle needlessly feeding 8 more mouths. Starving kids in thrid world countries send you a "big up" and a chest bump

Can I rip up my "human being" contract? I don't want to be a part of "God's grand creation" anymore.

14%?!?!

Way to go God! Nice grand plan!

In my ongoing attempt to mentally secede from the human race, polls like this only add fuel to the fire of my run away train. 14% huh? That's it??? 7 out of 50 people believe in scientific factual evidence? Seems like religion is involved. Oh, well whaddya know?!

After a contentious debate, the Texas Board of Education is set to vote in March on how evolution should be taught in the state's public schools.

WTF? They're serious??? Have textbooks on genetics and fossils NOT reached Texas yet? I know it's a barren wasteland of idiocy for the most part but I can't believe in 2009 were are still reliving the Scopes trial.

The most recent Gallup poll on the issue, conducted in May, found that only 14 percent of Americans believe that humans developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life. Forty-four percent believe that God created human beings almost overnight within the past 10,000 years.

You people make me sick. 44%? Overnight? What are you, 5? You understand the idea of carbon dating, right? The age of the universe by measuring the distance light has traveled? Sedimentary rock? You know amphibians exist, right? You know that the bone structure in a bird's wing is identical to the bones we have in our hands? Oh you didn't? Well read A FUCKING BOOK! Read the February issue of National Geographic. Why not believe a book written as a message for people to get through life 2000 years ago by a bunch of people down on their luck instead of scientist's research? Makes sense.

"The problem is, there are a number of fundamental people on both the left and the right extremes," said Michael Zimmerman, founder of the Clergy Letter Project.

Yeah, the right extreme believes in things called non-facts while people on the left believe in things called facts.

Central to Darwin's thesis was his scientific explanation of life's diversity: that all life evolved from a common lineage through the process of natural selection. This egalitarian view was not popular with those who professed their anthropological superiority over people of other races.

You fucking racists.

"Darwin's theory challenged the notions of human exceptionalism and brought to light this idea that humans are a result of natural processes, meaning we were not as 'special' as [we] once thought," said Eugenie Scott, a physical anthropologist and the executive director of the National Center for Science Education.

Hey 86%...get over it. You're insignificant. Now get on with your life and stop living in a fairytale.

Unnnnnlucky.

17 miles, huh? 17 fucking miles??? There are a couple of ways that I wouldn't mind going out of this life. Guns blazing. Choking on a peach pit. Having a heart attack while boning Sienna Miller in a helicopter....that is sitting on a helipad...of my yacht.

But getting accidentally struck by a van in Queens and then having your body dragged and mangled 17 miles to Brooklyn by another van on the nicest day of the year in NYC.

Kelly said that the van driver stopped at one point during the drive on New York City's highways and roads because he noticed the vehicle was not driving properly. But he failed to find anything unusual, Kelly said.

I just feel l like I'm not hitting my RPM's. I wonder what in the hell is going on. Hmmm. Tires look alright. Hood isn't smoking. I wonder if it's this mess of internal organs, muscle tissue and various bone matter attached to my chassis is causing the drag. Eh, probably not. Let's keep driving. I'm sure it will work itself out.

Police are retracing the route the van drove in attempt to find body parts.

Jesus.

Seems Like a Good Idea

Mmm. Looks delicious!

Sadly, in a land where people sleep closer to bovine fecal matter than they do to a nightstand, they think that launching a soft drink made from cow urine is a good idea. Let's think about how this idea came to fruition.

Brjesh: "Let's create a drink that contains cow urine!"

Brjesh's Minion: "Hm, Brjesh. You might be on to something. The Americans used to put cocaine in coca cola, and that got them addicted! The government then said they could no longer put essentially "speed" in a soft drink for some reason, so they chose a lesser, but still addictive drug called caffeine in it! Brjesh, this is BEEE-Rilliant!"

American Bystander: "Are you guys fucking idiots? Unless cow urine tastes like Jessica Gomes's vagina, then no one is gonna buy a fuckin drink made from cow piss!"

Indians: "Stupid American!"

Back at the office..

Brjesh: "We need to market this product so that everyone will drink it."

Marketing guy: "You want me to market a product that not only contains cow urine but has cow urine as the essential ingredient?"

Indian Guy: "Yes."

Marketing Guy: "You're a fucking idiot."

The article also notes that this drink is being created by a company that wants "to cleanse India of foreign influence". Yeah, forget throwing money in the air, we'll REALLY make it rain on dem hos with this shit.

Wait, so you think cow piss is going to be the savior to cleanse India of foreign influence? Why don't you take a tip from your northeastern cousin the Chinese ,and cut internet access, while implementing murder mobiling (if applicable).

If you are really looking to rid yourself of foreign influence, then send us all your western influenced bollywood hotties, aka Frieda Pinto. Obliged.

Post Courtesy of a new Bro WTF writer, "Juice"

If I Saw This In A Movie, I'd Laugh At It's Absurdity

That there's an RV...

It seems the Chinese have come a long way since Tienanmen Square. Who needs tanks when you have Mobile Execution Chambers? Few things can keep the masses in line like an execution chamber rolling through the streets disguised as Cousin Eddie's RV from Christmas Vacation. It's good to know that when those mundane firing squads just couldn't keep the civil liberties in check anymore, the Chinese got inventive. But hey, I guess when you execute four times as many people each year as the rest of the fucking world (yes, including Texas), Capital Punishment Technology is a booming industry.

But don't worry, they've done this to show that they care. The inventor of these "death vans" says that the move from firing squads to mobile vehicles of mass termination is a step in the right direction for human rights in the Middle Kingdom. To prove this (to only themselves, I imagine), the executions are broadcast live on video streams back to authorities who make sure that everything is done "legally." I think I would be very scared to find out what acts by the Chinese government are considered "illegal." Citizens, sure, talking is basically illegal. But the government? Panda rape is the only thing that comes to mind.

As Sticky Fingers once said, "Buh-buh-buh wait it get's worse." These chariots of fire are also facilitating black market organ sales. Apparently, the whole operation is self-funding because they just turn around and sell the organs after the video feed gets shut off. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. That kind of efficiency is what has the Chinese Nation soaring up into first world status.

I think I can safely promise you that I will never take a ride in a blue and white RV, no matter what country I'm in. In fact, if I ever see something that even resembles this van, I'm running.

This post is courtesy of the new Bro, WTF writer: "Redline".

THAT'S The Question You Ask!?!?!?!

You have your Commander-in-Chief up there fielding questions about the direction the country is going in and actually picks on you to ask him a question about anything at all and you choose to ask him about his reaction to Alex Rodriguez taking steroids?! He is not your drinking buddy, pal. This is the fucking president! In case you haven't noticed, the economy is kind of fucked. Maybe you're used to having a president up there who mentally maxed out at the shape recogniztion game, but this is a new day. Why did you stop at Alex Rodriguez though? Why didn't you ask him other important questions like:

- What is your reaction to Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna?

- What is your reaction to this rash I have between my legs? I'm scared to go to the doctor because I'm unsure whether it's sweat rash, i.e. jock itch or if maybe it's an STD

- What is your reaction to Bud Light's claim that their beer offers more "drinkibility" although the term drinkibility is so loosly defined that there is no possible way for us to distinguish which beer offers more drinkibility, in my opinion.

- What is your reaction to the fact that I am a journalist at a presidential press conference and the only question I could come up with was in regards to how you felt about a baseball player admitting he took steroids 7 years ago?

- What is your reaction to the news that Bar Refaeli is on the cover of SI's Swimsuit Issue?

- What is your reaction to the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio gets to stick his peen inside of her whenever he wants?

Shoot the shit with your buddies, news guy. Just because your president is also black doesn't mean that he wants to talk about sports at his fucking press conference regarding the state of the economy.

Unnecessary

This photo is courtesy of the gang over at This is Why You're Fat. The food you see in there is both mind blowing and appetizing. About half of the entries you flat out say to yourself, "I could eat that." (e.g. The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt) and for the other half, you realize that you want to live past 35 (e.g The Hamdog: A hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that’s deep fried, covered with chili, cheese, onions, served on a hoagie bun topped with two fistfuls of fries and a fried egg. HOLY FUCK! Why didn't they just put boiled Satan on top of it?)

But let's comprehend for a second "Gregory's" 120 oz steak above. Do you how much 120 oz is? I'll tell you what equals that weight.

- My penis (believe me, you don't want this curse)

- My testicles (Combined! Come on! 7.5lbs for each testicle would be a bit much guys!)

- 7.5 pounds...exactly

- About a gallon of milk

- Lyndsay Lohan 3 days after a fight with Samantha Ronson

- An average Shitzu

- A guitar

- A serious laptop

- Over 8 boxes of spaghetti

- 100 Oreo Cookies

It's fucking 9000 calories of meat! WTF!

Biggest Dumbass EVER

Come on man, of all the things you could do to Rihanna. You could suck her earlobes. Comb her hair. Shit I'd let her poop in my mouth any given day, and I would fucking love it. I'd let Rihanna try and snap my dick in half, it would probably feel good since it's mother-fucking Rihanna!

So why in the FUCK is Chris Brown hitting her? You piece of shit, you worthless pile of dog shit. Imagine the story he'll be telling in fucking JAIL in a few months.

Brown: So there I waz, chillin in my silver Lambo, and this bitch tells me she wants a mothfuckin taco. Or maybe it was a ham sanwitch, I don NO! So I'm like shit bitch, we ain't got no time for a taco!?! We goin to the grammys bitch!

Rihanna: But I want a taco, helps me dance good.

Brown: You tells me you wants a taco again I'll bite yo mothafuckin arm.

Rihanna: But it's just a taco Chris.

Dickhead Brown: Oh you goin get it now you little hussie. Come here...

Dude hits her, bites her, ditches the silver Lambo, and what... Misses the Grammy's? What the fuck is going on here? WTF?

God Damnit

I just moved one slot lower on the World's Greatest People list. Probably went from like 13th to 14th or something. Fucking Tiger had another kid and this one's middle name is Axel.

How can I compete with that? Matter of fact, how can anybody compete with that? Charlie Axel Woods, son of the greatest golfer alive, son of the man who sticks his thumb in Elin Nordgren's butt whenever he pleases, son of the only guy on earth that can bench press 5000 pounds and still knock down a 20 footer in his sleep.

Charlie probably fell out of Elin's vagina with a Breitling watch and a faux-hawk. His poops smell like bacon. When he spits up the pope commands a little boy to lick it up, and then come here...

That's gross, but either way I'm sure Charlie is the greatest thing since internet porn. I would gladly trade places with him right now and I'd beg Tiger to spank me, fucking beg him.

Good God, We Are a Sorry Bunch

As the world spins into decay mostly from the inconsiderate manner in which human beings live, it's always nice to see a group of individuals giving back in some way. These are not those people. In another example of "Seriously, How Bored Are We?" the Atlanta Aquarium hosts yoga classes in front of Beluga Whales.

"The beluga whales are so slow and so smooth in their movements, which is indeed what this is about -- slow movements of the body," said Todd DeLaune, one of the instructors of the weekly sessions. "And I think the energy of the belugas corresponds with the practice that we do."

The beluga whale also wishes you would stop using it in anti-mining operations too . Those poor bastards are swimming around in a confined tank looking out at a bunch of fat imbeciles flopping around on the floor, wondering how it came to be that we almost brought them to the brink of extinction.

"The first time I came to the aquarium, I was impressed by the animals and the landscape," she said. "One has always known that the ocean generates peace and calm."

Especially after you slaughter whales who sing all the time. It is quite peaceful without all that racket.

Can We Just Let Her Die Already?

or at least let's stop talking about it please? I understand that Amy Winehouse isn't exactly a representation of the zenith of achievements in health, but do we really have to be forced to read about her floppy tits and her incoherent outbursts everyday?

The crack reporters at The Sun would love to tell us that Amy is smoking "ten spliffs a day on Caribbean isle St Lucia to suppress cravings for class-A drugs." Oh what a trooper she is! She has to smoke 10 joints a day just so she doesn't O.D. on the heavier drugs. What if no one cared what happened to Amy and she OD'd and died, wouldn't that allow everyone connected to her and all the paparrazzi and journalists to go back to being somewhat contribuiting members of society?

Because right now, I would love to see Agent Smith from The Matrix sit in front of her and tell her that she is nothing but a virus. Gosh, if he had so much disdain for Neo and his fellow humans, I can't even imagine what he would say to a hagged up Winehouse who is smoking a doob right in his face.

The amazing thing is she smokes all morning then sees her personal trainer in the afternoon and is put through a gruelling workout.

Is "amazing" the operative adjective here? She's "put" through a greulling workout? No, I'm sure it's the 10 joints that she chose to smoke that makes it greulling.

It's amazing that this girl is still allowed to be alive. You know I've heard that in the the wild, the calf that is off smoking crack all day doing nothing to help the herd, is usally left for dead.

So, Apparently I Have a New Worst Nightmare

Ok, we all know that chicks are crazy. That's sceince. And then we of course know that they can sometimes get Fatal Attraction crazy from time to time when you don't give them enough attention. But THIS SHIT is putting a new level on the crazy house.

Look at those fucking photos!!! Looks like a scene from Se7en!

Mr Robinson woke to find his body decorated with a star on his back, 'Dominique' written on his upper right arm, and numerous slash marks on his left arm and shoulder.
He told police he had drunk vodka and taken Valium and was not awake during the incident on the night of June 14 last year.

Note to self: Never drink Vodka and take Valium around seemingly quiet and daintly girls. But seriously, how fucked up was this guy that he didn't wake up during his "Death by a Thousand Cuts" event?

Mr Robinson said he panicked when he woke up and took a taxi back to his home in Fleetwood, Lancashire.

He didn't decapitate her and shit on her lifeless body? Weird. Murder would have been the very least I would have done.

He said: 'I went to her place for sex, not to be tattoed. I can't believe she did this to me and I hate her.

No one usually goes to girl's places to get tattooed. I agree.

'When I woke I was covered in blood. Dominique was snoring. I just had to get out of there. I didn't even wake her to ask what she'd done. I'm scarred for life,' he told The Sun. 'I wish I'd never met her.'

And she snores?!?! Oh she's EVIL! Scarred for life, huh? Nice play on words Mr. Robinson! Because not only are you emotionally scarred by her actions, but you are physically scarred with slice marks all over your entire body. Good one!

What is wrong with you girls? Chill the fuck out already!

And fellas, maybe we shouldn't make every night a blackout night? Oh ok I agree. That is a load of malarcky. Let's black out and roll the dice.

Am I Supposed to Have a Blow Up Doll Too?

Jeez. First we had that guy in England breaking into stores to plug some blow up dolls like a vampire bites into throats, i.e. pure biological necessity. Well not to be outdone, a Florida man shows that he is not afraid to show his face unlike his 'V for Vendetta' friend across the pond.

The blowup dolls (pictured below) had female body parts and witnesses say 51-year-old George Bartusek was touching them very inappropriately.

I am so glad NBC-2 wasn't afraid to show us the faces of the victims. And hey witnesses, is there an appropriate way to touch a blow up doll? It's not like it was a piece of pottery. It was an air filled plastic doll in the shape of a woman with 2 gaping holes where you can insert anything you had handy that was about 4-inches long (speaking for myself of course).

That's like saying my dog is touching me inapproprietly when she's just licking peanut butter off my genitalia. Are you gonna arrest HER now??? Idiots.

Anyhow, I commend this guy for trying to have a threesome with 2 inanimate objects in a supermarket parking lot in a tighltly cramped sedan with his last name on the license plate. NOT easy! It's more "neat-o" than it was incognito. No, this guy doesn't seem weird at all.

Sometimes This Country Needs to Get Punched in The Face

Yeah, you stupid morons! Our president called Jessica Simpson a fat tub of shit who should be shot and her body parts dispresed to third world countries so they can all eat for the next decade. He then spit on her photo and kicked Matt Lauer in the junk for even showing him a picture of a chick so fat. Oh and that recording of "Christian Bale" on the set of Terminator? Nope. It was Barack yelling at the dude at NBC who got in his line of site right after that incident.

Orrrrr, maybe the president just read the FUCKING TITLE ON THE MAGAZINE!!! Do you think he gives a shit about Jessica Simpson and her obsession with cheese cake and lard? The only outrage here should be that there is a magazine in existence that would cover the face of black Jesus with a competitive eater. The fact that every goddamn news agency has been even talking about this is just point # 28,389 why the American psyche needs to get punched in the face.

Check out my Sword Bitch!

Excuse me, may I have your money? Um...please hand me the money right now. Listen Patel you slushee fuck, I really need you to give me that for free OR I'LL CUT OFF YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH MY SWORD!

I can't wait until they catch this guy, because I'm putting my life savings on him looking EXACTLY like a young Brian Lavoyda Urlacher (yes, true story, that's his real middle name, faggot) in the Old Spice commercial. And you know they'll catch him, he ripped off a 7-11 in Colorado Springs with a damn sword.

And how cool is the second clerk at the 7-11? Well, obviously not that cool, but cool enough to tell the guy "No" and kick him the fuck out of his store, Star Trek sword or not.

I would have been like, "Here! Take the money man, take my shirt, my shoes, here's my sister she's a virgin. Just DO NOT slice me with your fucking sword dude."

Unless of course I had my wolverine claws on, then I'd challenge him to an Honor DU-EL and whup is fucking ass.

No, I'd Rather Have You Just Pull It Out Of My Vagina

This is the tube.

Apparently modern medicine has progressed so well that we are now pulling kidneys out of vaginas...through a tube. Awesome.

In what is being called a "first-ever procedure" (if this was being done on a regular basis, I think that society would turn into London in Children of Men. At least is should, anyway.)

"The woman was chosen to be the first donor to undergo the procedure because a previous hysterectomy enabled doctors to operate without a uterus obstructing their efforts, he added." Ah yes, that pesky uterus, always getting in the way.

"Once the kidney is cut loose, surgeons use video from the cameras to guide them as they maneuver the bag around the organ, place it in the tube and pull it out through the vaginal opening, Montgomery said." That sounds bloody awful. how big is this tube? A kidney isn't exactly like strawberry yogurt, is it?

"A kidney weighs approximately one pound and is roughly the size of a clenched hand."

I'm guessing that the tube was not the size of a clenched fist, otherwise the doner would have fled the hospital as the PVC pipe that was about the be jammed up her crotch became apparent.

WTF?

Seems About Right

You gotta love that Catholic Church boy! Gerhard Maria Wagner was just appointed bishop. I'm sure he is a stand up individual whose moral code could not be swaye- Wait... He said What?

The new bishop of Wentz thought that Hurricane Katrina was brought about "due to the tolerance of homosexuals and laid-back sexual attitudes." Wow. There were another group of people who though that weather occurrences were due to the gods wishes. Remember them? They were the Ancient Greeks and they lived in a time where science couldn't explain shit. It's so nice to see that 2500 years of scientific progress has left us with a douchbag getting a promotion from a bunch of people who molest little boys. I guess it's that whole "new image" thing the Catholic Church is working on.

Way to go guys. You guys should be relevant for another 2-3 years or so.