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Stupid Nerves

WTF is going on with the nerves in my leg? Systematically, when I'm on the toilet playing Brick Breaker on my CrackBerry, the elbows digging into my lower thigh/upper knee region cause my legs to fall asleep after about 8.5 minutes. EVERY TIME!

You hear stories of people surviving in the forest for days without food or water and I can't go 9 minutes without turning into a paraplegic on the shitter? It's absurd. And the only way to get the feeling back in my legs is to actually stand up. What a fun moment that is as I try to walk back to my office with the sure footing of a new born giraffe.

Bro, WTF!

Oh Good

No one ever really wants to know where their food comes from. If you did, you would probably choose to starve to death. Take for instance, your meat. I dare you to watch this. I'm sure that none of this is TOO much of a surprise. Afterall, we have a hard enough time looking at a pimple faced dude at Burger King who is putting our Whopper together, and he is literally the LAST cog in the chain from cow to your mouth.

We would much rather take a Whopper that was pre made, already wrapped and sitting in one of the heating bins. Just knowing that you can see the exact drugged out 16-year old kid who had his grubby paws all over what you are about to eat makes us uncomfortable for some reason. (Amazing how those Hibachi restaurants remain so popular. We trust the Japanese apparently. Very honorable society, I guess.)

But anyhow, to my point. Heeeeeeere's your favorite state again in the news! TEXAS BABY! Not only are they unsure if evolution should be taught in schools, it turns out that "God's best" creation in the Lone Star state also has no problem with dead rats, rat shit, and bird feathers mixed in with your peanuts either. Yummy!

The Texas Department of State Health Services on Thursday ordered the recall of all products ever shipped from the Peanut Corporation of America's plant in Plainview, Texas.

Ever? Jeez. That can't be good. How shotty of an opertaion are you running that on the same day you cut the ribbon and open your plant, there are rats festering, shitting and dying in the vents above where the peanuts are mixed? Let alone explaining the feathers.

The state has the authority to stop a company's operations and order a recall if it finds "a condition that poses an immediate and serious threat to human life or health," as was the case here, he said.

Is this supposed to be comforting? Texas has the authority to stop things from happening that might kill its people? Phew! I think Penguin colonies have been using the same logic for millions of years. I'm glad to see that things are running tip top in Austin.

Maybe there's no such thing as peanut allergies after all? Maybe it was the fact that our bodies had a difficult time processing rotting rat with a side of shit? Who knew?

Idiocracy

Reason #2 today why I want to secede from the human race. C'mon. Seriously?? You didn't see this coming? You don't have a job and you already had 6 kids that you could barely provide for so you thought the responsible thing to do would be to have 6 eggs jammed into hoo-ha so that you could have 6..whoops, EIGHT more? You're retarded. And now you're looking for donations? That's like killing someone and then asking the victim's family to help you with bail money.

I hope you don't get a penny from anyone. I hope they take your kids away from you so that they grow up with some care and food so they don't rob me in 15 years! (thanks Chris Rock) Nice decision making lady. When your kids are old enough to comprehend what the fuck you just did as they are rummaging for crumbs to eat, I'm sure they'll say, "Hey mom, WTF?"

"I'm providing myself to my children," Nadya Suleman told NBC in her first interview. "I'm loving them unconditionally, accepting them unconditionally, everything I do. I'll stop my life for them and be present with them and hold them and be with them. And how many parents do that?"

Be present with them and hold them....while they're starving to death??? You're such a sweetheart!! You're right! How many parents would choose to double the litter when feeding the first half was more challenging than solving a Rubix Cube.

Good thing the planet isn't running out of resources and it can totally handle needlessly feeding 8 more mouths. Starving kids in thrid world countries send you a "big up" and a chest bump

Can I rip up my "human being" contract? I don't want to be a part of "God's grand creation" anymore.

14%?!?!

Way to go God! Nice grand plan!

In my ongoing attempt to mentally secede from the human race, polls like this only add fuel to the fire of my run away train. 14% huh? That's it??? 7 out of 50 people believe in scientific factual evidence? Seems like religion is involved. Oh, well whaddya know?!

After a contentious debate, the Texas Board of Education is set to vote in March on how evolution should be taught in the state's public schools.

WTF? They're serious??? Have textbooks on genetics and fossils NOT reached Texas yet? I know it's a barren wasteland of idiocy for the most part but I can't believe in 2009 were are still reliving the Scopes trial.

The most recent Gallup poll on the issue, conducted in May, found that only 14 percent of Americans believe that humans developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life. Forty-four percent believe that God created human beings almost overnight within the past 10,000 years.

You people make me sick. 44%? Overnight? What are you, 5? You understand the idea of carbon dating, right? The age of the universe by measuring the distance light has traveled? Sedimentary rock? You know amphibians exist, right? You know that the bone structure in a bird's wing is identical to the bones we have in our hands? Oh you didn't? Well read A FUCKING BOOK! Read the February issue of National Geographic. Why not believe a book written as a message for people to get through life 2000 years ago by a bunch of people down on their luck instead of scientist's research? Makes sense.

"The problem is, there are a number of fundamental people on both the left and the right extremes," said Michael Zimmerman, founder of the Clergy Letter Project.

Yeah, the right extreme believes in things called non-facts while people on the left believe in things called facts.

Central to Darwin's thesis was his scientific explanation of life's diversity: that all life evolved from a common lineage through the process of natural selection. This egalitarian view was not popular with those who professed their anthropological superiority over people of other races.

You fucking racists.

"Darwin's theory challenged the notions of human exceptionalism and brought to light this idea that humans are a result of natural processes, meaning we were not as 'special' as [we] once thought," said Eugenie Scott, a physical anthropologist and the executive director of the National Center for Science Education.

Hey 86%...get over it. You're insignificant. Now get on with your life and stop living in a fairytale.

Unnnnnlucky.

17 miles, huh? 17 fucking miles??? There are a couple of ways that I wouldn't mind going out of this life. Guns blazing. Choking on a peach pit. Having a heart attack while boning Sienna Miller in a helicopter....that is sitting on a helipad...of my yacht.

But getting accidentally struck by a van in Queens and then having your body dragged and mangled 17 miles to Brooklyn by another van on the nicest day of the year in NYC.

Kelly said that the van driver stopped at one point during the drive on New York City's highways and roads because he noticed the vehicle was not driving properly. But he failed to find anything unusual, Kelly said.

I just feel l like I'm not hitting my RPM's. I wonder what in the hell is going on. Hmmm. Tires look alright. Hood isn't smoking. I wonder if it's this mess of internal organs, muscle tissue and various bone matter attached to my chassis is causing the drag. Eh, probably not. Let's keep driving. I'm sure it will work itself out.

Police are retracing the route the van drove in attempt to find body parts.

Jesus.

Seems Like a Good Idea

Mmm. Looks delicious!

Sadly, in a land where people sleep closer to bovine fecal matter than they do to a nightstand, they think that launching a soft drink made from cow urine is a good idea. Let's think about how this idea came to fruition.

Brjesh: "Let's create a drink that contains cow urine!"

Brjesh's Minion: "Hm, Brjesh. You might be on to something. The Americans used to put cocaine in coca cola, and that got them addicted! The government then said they could no longer put essentially "speed" in a soft drink for some reason, so they chose a lesser, but still addictive drug called caffeine in it! Brjesh, this is BEEE-Rilliant!"

American Bystander: "Are you guys fucking idiots? Unless cow urine tastes like Jessica Gomes's vagina, then no one is gonna buy a fuckin drink made from cow piss!"

Indians: "Stupid American!"

Back at the office..

Brjesh: "We need to market this product so that everyone will drink it."

Marketing guy: "You want me to market a product that not only contains cow urine but has cow urine as the essential ingredient?"

Indian Guy: "Yes."

Marketing Guy: "You're a fucking idiot."

The article also notes that this drink is being created by a company that wants "to cleanse India of foreign influence". Yeah, forget throwing money in the air, we'll REALLY make it rain on dem hos with this shit.

Wait, so you think cow piss is going to be the savior to cleanse India of foreign influence? Why don't you take a tip from your northeastern cousin the Chinese ,and cut internet access, while implementing murder mobiling (if applicable).

If you are really looking to rid yourself of foreign influence, then send us all your western influenced bollywood hotties, aka Frieda Pinto. Obliged.

Post Courtesy of a new Bro WTF writer, "Juice"