Wait a minute, he what!?!

According to a few news sources, or more accurately, every single sports agency in the United States, Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg Friday night. No no no, he didn't shoot a load on his leg. He didn't drop a shot on his leg while at a club in New York City. He SHOT HIMSELF IN THE FUCKING LEG. Imagine the phone call Tom Coughlan received Saturday morning:

TOM: Hello.

Special Agent to the New York Giants Jack Mauer: Tom, it's Jack.

TOM: What's up Jack?

JACK: Plax shot himself in the leg.

TOM: What?

JACK: Plax shot himself in the leg.

TOM: Fuck you asshole.

JACK: Tom, Plax shot himself in the leg last night. With a gun.

TOM: What?

JACK: Yeah, at a club in New York. He shot himself in the right thigh.

TOM: Jack, I swear to god I will rip your fucking ears off if you're fucking with me right now.

JACK: Tom, he shot himself in the leg, I dont' know what you want me to say.

TOM: Did anybody see this?

JACK: Yeah, Antonio (Pierce) 'got rid of the gun.'

TOM: That's it motherfucker, you're a dead man!

The only thing that could have possibly made this story any better was if Burress had actually shot his own dick off. Imagine that, "Plaxico Burress shoots penis off in New York nightclub." That exchange would have gone like this:

Unsuspecting beautiful young lady: Wow, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

PLAX: Gun bitch.

LADY: Why do you have a gun Plaxico?

PLAX: Al Queda Bitch.

LADY: What do you mean Al Ceda?

PLAX: Plax gots ta difend dis house.

LADY: What?

PLAX: Gun Bitch. Ouch. Shot my dick.