New Rule

Don't let the boobs distort logic

This is the first post without a link or video. I felt that it was a topic serious enough to point out.

Dudes, stop buying girls drinks before ever talking to them. Why, douchebag? Here's why:

1) Women are pack-like creatures. When the pack sees what the other one gets, the pack wants. Your inability to strike up a conversation with a girl you've never met before means that when I go to talk to one of her friends, I have to shell out an 'initiation fee' just to talk to her.

2) You aren't getting any closer to getting in her pants. She'll take the free drink but she's not retarded. She knows that everyone wants to fuck her. If she wants to have sex with you or not, is not up to you. Ever.

3) You just creeped her out. She never wanted to talk to you before, but like a legless beggar that approaches her on the streets of Saigon, she feels obligated to talk to you now.

Fellas, stop being retarded.

What is wrong with us?

Human dumbells? I seriously don't even know what to say...

Why the Fuck...

is this being viewed on ANY news site? I don't care if there were only 2 people left on the planet and the other person was sleeping . The other person would have been more noteworthy than a fat, portly cat riding a fucking sled.

CNN.com has the audacity to have the words, "Unedited. Unfiltered. News" on top of their iReport page which is basically Youtube. News? News?? NEWS???? Mittins riding a sled? An $825 billion dollar energy recovery bill is news. News is knowledge. News is discovery. Mittins riding a sled is rigmarole. It's hogwash. It's rubbish. It was actually less entertaining than trying to watch Paris Hilton give a blow job through that fish eye night vision camera that was posted all over the internet a few years back.

That fucking mittens video was watched 34,725 times at the time of this posting. That is the equivalent of over 12 DAYS of people watching this video. TWELVE DAYS! For a fat riding a sled 16 feet down a slushy hill. If that wasn't posted on the internet, humanity would have had 12 days of productivity back.

I think I am going to go snort some cyanide and watch Rachel Ray.

You Can Wear A Bikini...

When you're pregnant and show the world your fat tummy because being pregnant is beautiful and it's natural and it's the creation of life, yadda yadda yadda but if someone asks you to lift up your shirt and show your stomach while you're pregnant, it becomes degrading? WTF?

Alledgedly, Australia is about as sue happy as the U.S. Listen lady, last week my store got robbed by someone who looked just like you. I think you're stealing shit, so lift up your shirt a tad and show me what you got. This type of profiling happens to black people all the time. It ain't right but just deal with the mix up.

"Cr Tully said it was disgraceful that an eight-and-a-half-month pregnant woman had been humiliated in public for such a minor matter."

First of all, who the fuck is Cr? What the fuck is that all about? Secondly, you were not humiliated. Relax. It wasn't like the store owner stripped you naked, dumped pickle juice all over you, attached jumper cables to your nipples, and took a CNN Ireport of himself of all this with his nuts in your face, ok? THAT would be humiliating. You showing your belly button is NOT humiliating. Just stop it.

"The liquor store should be forced to apologise and pay compensation to this woman for the degrading way she was treated. The State Government should make it illegal for store owners to require shoppers to submit to strip searches in public."

Pay compensation for what? "You thought I stole something motherfucker???? Well now I'm gonna sue your ass!" That can't be how a functioning society works. People need to stop sucking.

The Curious Case of Audra Turner

Well not really. She's just an idiot. She is just the latest example of why living in suburban Pennsylvania and being obsessed with a team of hacks like the Pittsburgh Steelers is about as mature as 2nd grade.

"I don't miss a game. If I was in school and I had a paper, it would have to wait. Work, I always request it off. I can't miss a Steeler game. I can't miss a game."

Hmmm. You work on gameday, which is typically Sunday. Now you might be a freelancer but the fact that you have to "request" off tells me that waiting on that school paper might not have been the best thing for your career.

Turner told Edwards she is willing to offer her forehead, arms and car as a billboard as she travels to Tampa, while she is at the game, and on her trip home. "It's like a free commercial for them because Super Bowl commercials are sky high, and you have to pay a lot of money to have a commercial on air so why not put it on my body?" Turner said.

Wow! You'll offer up your forehead and arms for a whole weekend??? You're so dedicated! I bet you're the only person willing to get a henna tattoo to get to go to the biggest football game in the world! I can't believe companies aren't jumping at the chance to advertise on the face of some no name moron who will then remove said advertisement 2 days later.

Why pay a lot of money to have the commercial on air? Well Audra, you see...you pay a lot because 100 million people are going to see your ad. About 300 people are going to see your busted ass car and smeared indecipherable writing traveling the length of your arm. That's why companies don't want to use you.

"This would mean the world to me. I would be speechless, it would make my world, it would make my life my month, my day, the rest of my life."

Good Lord. Audra, you need to reassess your life goals. You want to impress people? Offer to get a limb hacked off for a ticket to the game. I bet you'd get more takers.

And fuck you, Channel 4 Action news for posting this story about an idiot that wants to go to the Super Bowl.

Virtual Heaven

I think that guy just jizzed on my back.

Well, you couldn't say that the news of the 3-D porn revolution surprises you, it's just that you don't know what repetetive excuse you're going to give your friends for NOT going out with them 8 weekends in a row.

"Just imagine that you'll be watching it as if you were sitting beside the bed. There will be many close-ups. It will look as if the actresses are only a few centimetres from the audience."

Sweet! No more stalking or "peeping Tom" lawsuits to navigate through! The only thing is that seeing some dude's hog in 3-D won't allow you to use the "it's the angle their filming at" defense when explaining to your girlfriend that his penis is not actually twice the size of yours. Sorry to break it to you fellas. If it was that much bigger in 2-D, it's gonna look like an octopus arm in 3-D.

I'm sure some dudes out there are gonna say, "Oh man, I don't want to see ANY dick in 3-D." Relax, you homophobes. You need a little dick in there so you can fantasize about actually being in his place. Yes, the camera looking up from the underside of a doggystyle formation will make it feel like his nuts are hitting you in the back of the head but hey, without a struggle, there can be no progress, right?

But the producer says, "We're having trouble finding a male lead who is willing to undress in front of the camera. It's a lot more difficult to find an actor than an actress for this kind of film."

Yeah I don't think any Asian man wants his penis in 3-D...it'll still look like it's in 2-D. Most Asian dicks I've been around have been "rearry rearry small".

But hey Mr. Producer, let me thumb through my Rolodex to help you out with this male actor search....yup, here we are...a one Mr. North and a one, Mr. Siffereddi. I believe they'll be able to help.

Old Fart

Greg Oden turned 21 last Thursday, or in human years, 57. Importantly he doesn't feel any older, he "feels like a day went by." Goooooood Greg, you nailed it.

Day end, you sleep, day begin, you wake = Day go by.

That's exactly the kind of shit a 57 year old man says when asked how his last poop went.

At least Greg knows he looks like the old soul he is, noting on his "blog" (what the fuck is a blog anyways?) that people already think he's 50. No shit dude, that's being generous. Actually you look like you're 75 and just had rhinoplasty that really didn't work, but whatever.

Mr. Oden says he's waiting for the day someone doesn't recognize him and cards him, so he can say, and I quote, "nope player im of age."

You're kidding right? That's absolutely fucking ludicrous. You can't possibly believe there's any person in the world that wouldn't recognize you, can you? I mean, you're the only person I've ever seen that actually combines my nightmares, Cro-Magnon man, and a hamburger patty into a living being. If you walked up to me in a bar I would hand you a brandy and duck the fuck out of the way.

Player, you're not OF age, you ARE age.

We Lost, 100-0.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, you got FUCKED UP! I mean, you must literally be the worst group of people ever to set foot on a basketball court. What are you, gimps, midgets, retards....ooooooohh waaaaaiiiitt.

I don't know how many times I can say, "Only in Texas," before I just fucking go bomb that horrible place, but for fuck sake, ONLY IN TEXAS does a basketball team get blanked and lose by 100! Pathetic!

And only in Texas does the team that absolutely shit on the other team go back with an apology afterwards. It's not that hard to take a look at the scoreboard at halftime, see the score 59-0, and realize you might have this one in the bag.

"Hey coach, I know they're dyslexic and shit, but it'd probably be a good idea to press the second half anyways. I mean fuck it right, I might break a steals record or something."

Dallas Academy (AKA worst athletic school ever) has 20 students. I guess it specializes in teaching students with learning disabilities like ADD and dyslexia. Good fucking thing! They probably still think they won 100-0! Silly little ho's.

And now Covenant is my favorite high school ever. They're fucking awesome. I mean really, how bad ass do you have to be to try and drop 100 on a team of 8 special-ed chicks!?! FUUUUUCKING Bad Ass Dude!

I hope Covenant Coach Micah Grimes breaks his dick next time he's fucking his boyfriend. I wouldn't think twice about taking a baseball bat to his shin. In fact, let's start a website dedicated only to Micah Grimes, we'll call it www.assholeI'dMOSTliketorip.com. FUCKING. PRICK.

Girls Are So Stupid

The latest and greatest from my favorite website, "The Frisky" is of course smeared all over a so called "news organization's" website disguising itself as news when in actuality it is a cluster fuck of nonsensical advice for girls looking for dating advice on cnn.com

One to Three Dates: "Think of yourself as a director for the first few dates and cast him in the role of aspiring ingénue. He needs to impress you. Ask questions. Listen to his answers. The added bonus? The less you talk about yourself and the more questions you ask about them, the more intelligent men will think you are. Which is ridiculous. And hilarious. Also? True."

Judy, are you drunk? Director? Casting? The more questions you ask, the more intelligent we think you are? Have you ever been on a date? If a guy is not at least getting a BJ and sticking his finger up your butt by the third date, he's out. I don't care if you are giving him the role of Frodo in Lord of the Rings! Women can't go three seconds, let alone three dates without talking about themselves. I thought you women wanted "good listeners". Now you want dudes bragging about themselves and not giving a shit about you? Ok, fine by me!

Two to Three Weeks: "Unless you two are keeping things very casual, if he's been around for a few weeks, you're probably thinking that he has keeper potential...If a guy is going to freak out because your Uncle Marco is serving a life sentence, now's the time to find out. Before you get too attached."

Keeper potential? Two weeks? REEEEEEEEEEEEELAX! And don't tell me about your fucking Uncle Marco serving a life sentence either, maybe ever! I just fucking met you two weeks ago! Let me find that out one Thanksgiving together at your parent's house...five years into our relationship. Too attached? Jesus Christ, you psycho! Go home!

Three-to-six months: "This would be the time when you figure out whether or not he's h-h-h-husband material. Meaning, he doesn't bug the crap out of you."

Are you f-f-f-fucking serious? Yeah, 3 months seems about a reasonable amount of time to decide if you want to spend the next 70 years together. I mean, you did hear me fart, so we should be able to tackle anything together!

Three years, not months...then I'll see if YOU still bug the crap out of ME. Then I'll continue trying to avoid the marraige thing...still thinking we should "wait a while".

You're NOT That Cool Lady

Woohoo! Doctor's saved this stupid ho from dying after police found her frozen in a snow bank on her 25th birthday. Funny thing is, she had absolutely NO reason to be laying in the fucking snow bank in the first place.

Why do we waste our time saving people like this? Hell, if I saw this poor bitch laying in the snow on her 25th birthday I would have either punched her in the tit or left her there to freeze.

Tia, you had ONE drink. ONE DRINK! There are so many problems with this:

1) I don't respect anybody that has ONE drink on their birthday, unless they are turning 107.
2) FIND A FUCKING RIDE HOME. LOOK HARDER YOU FUCKING RETARD.
3) Do NOT just decide you'll "lay down in the snow" for no fucking reason!

Not coincidentally, police said that when they found poor frozen Tia she had very little brain activity. YOU DON'T SAY!? She was fucking brain dead in the first place you stupid fucks!

Oh, and I don't know who that ho in the picture is, but I googled "Stupid Ugly Woman" and that is what came back. Huge surprise.

USA Today CAN'T Be Serious!

In quite possibly the least news worthy internet article to date, USA Today thought we needed a write up on how to wash our hands...I wish I was joking. Nope, no story about eradicating malaria, or sub Saharan Africa's struggle for clean drinking water. An article on how to wash your hands. Frankly, if you can't wash your hands, you deserve to die. End of story. You fail at being human. And if you're the person writing this article (Elizabeth Weise), I can't believe you've made it this far. I understand you need a job to make a living and all, but snorting coke out of a dead hooker's ass would be more dignifying than writing an article like this. FYI.

"Here's the drill: Scrub vigorously with water and soap until lather appears, making sure to get between your fingers and fingernails."

You might as well give me instructions on how to breathe while you're at it.

"Use a nail brush if you have one. Briskly dry with a towel."

Huh? Do I have AIDS on my hands? Was I eating an Ebola Sandwich? Was I fingering Lindsay Lohan? I don't even know what a nail brush is but I'm pretty sure that 99.999% of people don't carry on them when going to the bathroom.

"Take the opportunity to take a hand-washing break," Smith says. "Any time you're touching something that other people frequently touch, it's a good time to wash your hands."

Unless you work in solitary confinement, I'm pretty sure your boss would not want to pay you for washing your hands 8 hours a day because you work in the vicinity of people who touch the same things you do.

The rest of the article is so utterly insane, I'll just let you put paper cuts on your own eyeballs as you read it.

Aretha, WTF?

Nope. No links. No videos. No stories. No articles. It's inauguration day! Everyone's in a good mood. Just one question on my mind this pleasant evening....Aretha, what the fuck kind of hat is that?! There is a bow the size of your head ON your head! That looks like the bow one puts on a Lexus during their "December to Remember" commercial series. R-E-S-P-E-C-T???? Not anymore with that nonsense on your dome.

We Are A Country of Fat Bastards

Watch CBS Videos Online

I thought I believed in Universal Healthcare until I saw this. New rule, Universal Healthcare for all those who don't eat at the Heart Attack Grill. Are you fucking kidding me?

"No I am not a doctor, legally." No, you are not a doctor, actually. Why do people hate Americans in general? Well that can be debated but I assure you that stories like this certainly don't help our cause abroad.

Hey asshole, your restaurant is not there for the person who occasionally wants to splurge on a greasy meal. Your clientelle resembled baby hippos more than they did humans. But you sure do know how to strike the heart of a fat, econimcally marginalized dude, have half naked chicks running around serving them their death traps. Bravo, my friend.

In all seriousness, I sure as shit can't wait to eat there! I'm getting a quadruple for sure! I'm so glad I'm not fat.

Oh She A Golddigger....Biologically

This guy makes more money than you.

Women can start denying the fact that they marry for money. They can stop lying with their, "Making me lugh is most important" rhetoric. You apparently can't disagree with science, you money grubbing whore.

Those crazy Brits have conducted a study resulting in this statement from Dr. Pollet, “Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner." So guys, don't worry about the flowers, the cuddling, the remembering anniversaries, the gifts, the listening, or the foot rubs. Don't worry about dating. Don't worry about a work/life balance. Don't worry about impressing her friends or parents. Don't worry about her needs, her moods, or her crying. Get rich. Stab people in the back and girls will love you. Save your money. Get off your ass and get rich. Period.

Next time you want to whisper sweet nothings into a girl's ear, just say: "Richard Branson".

3.7 Mil for THIS Chick?

Come on guys, let's reconsider here. How about we think this one through. Don't get me wrong, I've had bad ideas, many of them in fact. I've pooped on people's cars, ran red lights, slept with my cousin, whatever. But this is like running up to Rampage Jackson with skinny jeans and a scarf on, grabbing his balls and then reaching back and slapping him right in the fucking face. NOT SMART.

Alert! Alert! Alert! THAT BITCH IS FAT! Don't let the Sears Glamour Shots fool you! Spending 3.7 million just to take her worthless virginity is NOT SMART, nor is it cool. Dropping that much coin for 45 seconds of Persian floppiness is a fucking terrible idea! You're better then that. $370 would be preposterous for this chick...if she was a hooker!

In fact, who the fuck does Natalie think she is? Auctioning off your virginity...Really? Exactly how desperate does that make you? And you, Mr. 3.7 Million, how desperate does this make YOU for fuck sake!?! Go to a bar you lazy piece of shit, there's Persians everywhere and they LOVE dick. Plus, you can probably find one that won't make your undershirt look like Under Armour.

I'd love to meet you Mr. 3.7 Mil. I'd love to ruffle your hair and scratch your back. And I'd truly enjoy beating your face with shovel you frivolous fuck.

$3,700,001 bitches! Gonna get me some flubby loving.

Where The Fuck is Racine, and Who Voted For THIS Guy?

In quite possibly the greatest combination of stupidity and downright criminally disgusting, the mayor (that's right, the highest elected official in a city) of Racine, Wisconsin thought that it was a good idea to have his personal computer fixed by tech support at City Hall. No problem, right? Welllllll, it is when you have child porn littered all over your computer.

What the fuck? If you are doing something THAT horrible (which is a problem in its own right, don't get me wrong), wouldn't you go so far as cut off your own arm before someone found out? Wouldn't you go get a master's degree in computer science, taking night classes 3 night's a week for 4 years, sleeping 4-5 hours a night while your marraige suffers just so you could fix the computer yourself?

Has Becker not heard about internet ID theft, the Patriot Act, hackers, and everything else that is thrown in our face that tells us that everyone knows everything you do online? I bet Gary Becker got that AOL CD in the mail a few months back and was like, "SWEET! I can chat with people anonymously online???? This is gonna do wonders for my fetish! I'll get a sweet nickname like "MayorofRacine" and no one will ever find out!

"Becker described himself online as a Wisconsin man whose interests included 'seducing all age females into being hot sluts.' " ..........Dickhead, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? All age females into being hot sluts?! Why don't you just get on the phone, prank call the NSA and say you're going to kill the president while you're at it!

"Becker also agreed to meet at the mall, saying from his home in the chat, 'It will be hard to keep my hands off u in public' and 'I would luv to get a hotel room and have lots of fun with u.' " DUDE!!! Really? It will be hard to keep your hands off of a 14 year old girl in public seeing as to how you are the MAYOR of the fucking town and EVERYONE will recognize you? It's going to be that hard? I bet that guy at the check in desk at the hotel won't recognize you either? Holy Shit! Nice work people of Racine, nice job vetting this pedophile.

The most understated line of the year so far is this one, "Becker has not been removed from office but his political future appears in jeopardy." Appears in jeopardy? No, Alex Trebec appears in Jeopardy. The only thing that "appears in jeopardy" is Becker's internal organs since his political future is going to be buried at the far end of a large man's penis as it is inserted into his ass in a prison cell.

Rick Reilly, Only 15 Years Late On This One, Buddy

Beer Pong: Keep it Bush League

Like writing a groundbreaking article on this new device called the internet in Wired Magazine, Rick Reilly did something equally retarded by writing an article about Beer Pong in ESPN The Magazine. Rick, every person reading this magazine knows what beer pong is. Everyone that doesn't is 12 and reading their dad's ESPN the Magazine.

Seriously, this was one of the worst articles I have ever read in my entire life. I didn't learn one thing other than the fact that a bunch of pussies play at the World Series of Beer Pong. 4 out of 10 cups are filled with water? WTF?! What is this? That's like war with timeouts. Oh wait, we do that now too, don't we? Israel will bomb you but then stop to let humanitarian aid in and then bomb the U.N building anyway.

Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, reading Rick Reilly's "Have You Guys Seen Girls Wearing These Bikini Thingies on the Beach This Summer???" article.

"It should be noted that the final was filled with honor. Nobody mentioned anybody's sister or flashed unwelcome appendages. That's good. All this bush league stuff will have to go if we're going to take beer pong to the next level: the Olympics." What the fuck are you talking about Rick? Bush league? It's fucking beer pong!! A game created at seedy fraternity houses to get college chicks drunk so they are easier to bang...It's called "bush" league for a reason.

Yeah, Those Complicated Wake Up Calls.

The Typical Hotel Clock

Now, I firmly believe that you can find anything you want on the internet but I would like to wholeheartedly "jelly donut" whoever thought of this piece of shit idea.

"The notion is that when you are jet lagged, the last thing you want to deal with is having to figure out some hotel room alarm clock or trying to rely on a wake-up call."

Huh? "Rely on a wake-up call?" No, you bring an umbrella because you can't "rely" on a weather man. A wake-up call is pretty guaranteed. It's not like I'm hoping that scientists figure out nuclear fusion by the time I need to wake up in order for me to hopefully receive a wake-up call.

"This clock is clean and simple."

As opposed to what? A sundial? Numbers in hieroglyphics written backwards that can only be seen under a black light?

"When the alarm goes off, the clock lights up and so does your day."

Shut the fuck up asshole. I'm fucking jet lagged, remember? So the alarm is probably going off in the middle of the night as I figure out what's up and what's down and where the hell I actually am. My day sucks and so does your 60 dollar fucking clock.

How about I just set the alarm on my cell phone that still has some battery left, dickhead?

Karma Had a Glitch

Or maybe this God you talk about has a REAL fucked up sense of humor. Did Alec have to collect his check at a big hullaboo with the media and sex abuse victims present? Awwwwwkward! Can you imagine Alec walking up to the podium?

"H..H..Hey guys. Why so quiet? Wow. Tough crowd. If this party got any crazier, a funeral might break out!....No?...Ok."

Nancy Haag, the head of "Standing Together Against Rape in Anchorage" (quite a direct name) was none too pleased but I do believe that she does not know the definition of irony. She thinks it's ironic that in a state with the highest per capita number of rape cases, a convicted sex offender won the lottery. Nancy, I hate to split hairs here but BECAUSE you have a lot of sun deprived, depressed dirtbags running around playing the lotto in their free time, there is a GREATER chance that one of them will win the lottery. It would be ironic in a state where....you know what...nevermind. Nancy is pissed and I don't blame her.

I think Nancy should direct her dragon's flame at Abe Spicola, the lottery organizer who said that Alec "was going to buy a house and said he was going to donate part of it to God, and, you know, charity." Is that a fucking joke Abe? That's a pretty shitty joke dude. Why is it that I picture you scratching your nuts with one hand, and chatting with your embezzler on the cell phone with the other and not even looking at the interviewer while you gave this answer?

Hmmm, Where SHOULD I Put This Dead Baby?

Well, my carry-on luggage of course! Where else would I put it?! This is just another example of why Papau New Guinea is still tops on the list of "Places Where Medieval Shit Happens Everyday".

And how on earth is the husband able to flee the airport without anyone catching him? Do the cops not have walkie talkies? Oh yeah, I forget, its Papau New Guinea. The husband probably got away because the poision darts being fired at him missed their mark.

"The woman did not have any documents that are required to transport a dead body on a plane." No shit. I don't think anyone in Papau New Guinea gives a flying fuck about required documents for...anything. This woman had a dead baby wrapped in a cotton cloth stuffed into her carry-on luggage. Something tells me, she didn't think ahead about filling out the proper paperwork. This wasn't like someone was bringing a coffin draped in an American flag onto a plane and forgot to get a few papers signed.

Excuse me. Coming through. I'm late for my flight.

But the most shocking part of this article and the one that solidifies my inital point about Papau New Guinea's place in the Medieval Top 10 list is the last sentence, "Last week police arrested a PNG Highlands man for having a rocket launcher and nine grenades in his luggage when travelling on a flight to Mt Hagen police station." What the fuck?! People in the U.S. are afraid of taking a nail file onto a plane and this dude thought it pertinent to bring a ROCKET LAUNCHER and NINE grenades onto a plane?! Have you seen how big a rocket launcher is? We are not talking about that gun that John Malcovich made out of plastic in In The Line of Fire that he got through presidential security. We are talking about a shoulder fired missle launcher.

Imagine being behind that guy in line for the metal detector as he jams the bazooka into the machine with his 9 grenades rolling around the plastic bin following along?

Good lord.

Leave of Absense, Otherwise Known as Getting Kicked the Fuck OUT

Let's stop fucking around, Charles Barkley taking a so called "Leave of Absence" means that TNT asked him to take a fucking break! That's it, over and done. There's really no such thing as an individual making millions of dollars coincidentally saying, "hmmm I think I'm just going to take some time off, especially considering the fact that I just blew twice the legal limit on that last Breathalyzer I took." Sounds like a fucking plan.

Why do companies bullshit their way around this stuff? As though they're being kind to Sir Charles and recommending he take some fucking time off. Shit, they should come out publicly and announce that instead of taking time off, Charles will now be receiving blow jobs underneath his desk, AS he speaks on NBA Tonight. Don't bullshit me man!

When Charles was approached for comment, he said: "I'm just doing it for the sex."

Did I Miss Something Here???

Is The Day After Tomorrow actually taking place right now? I seriously thought I was reading the shitty plot for a new Nicolas Cage/Kate Hudson disaster movie. Yeahhhhh right you can't drive from Portland to Seattle because of 15 inches of rain!!! Wait...what? Ok fine, but a blizzard in Madrid? Now that's just fucking retarded. That would never happen in a million years. That premise sounds about as dumb as someone writing another MMA movie and calling it, I don't know...Fighting. Hm? Oh that actually happened too? Jesus.

No one has jobs, the economy is about as stable as Lindsay Lohan on crystal meth, the porn industry is looking for federal funding and we are getting some biblical weather patterns here. Clearly God is mad at you and only loves Tim Tebow. So go fuck yourself because you are doomed. While you're waiting in line for food stamps, a temp job, tickets to Fighting, bring an umbrella, snow shoes, and a blow up boat just in case mother nature hands you your ass.

San Diego, Where Absolutely Nothing Happens

You know you live in real life "Pleasantville" when your city's news website thinks this story needed to be shared with the world. What happened, there were no stories of people buying sun tan lotion to report about? Only in San Diego do you call the fucking cops when you're smashed and can't find your way home....AND THEY COME AND LOOK FOR YOU, WITH THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!!!! Time to rob me a bank in SD.

And how low on the reporting poll are you when this is the story you get to write about?

Shitty Writing Intern: Hey boss, I was thinking about writing an Op-Ed on the affect the Obama administration is going to have on the energy sector in coal rich areas.

Boss of a San Diego New Station Who Knows That People in San Diego Don't Give A Fuck About Reality: What administration? No, you know what...I heard some ridiculous story on the police scanner about a guy in a trashcan with a bunch of screw drivers or something. Write about that!

Shitty Writing Intern: Awesome.

Sure, Here You Go

Fuck you Turkey Neck, you're the LAST person that needs a bailout. You can NOT seriously think anybody gives a shit about your needs right now.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE porn. I love porn like I love steak and beer and my mom. Porn makes me so wet I drip. But I cannot condone giving these shit-bags $5 BILLION dollars. Yeah, you got that right, $5 BILLION. Here's what I'll give you Larry.... FUCK....YOU. And Fuck You Joe Francis too you fucking douche bag fairy.

I don't care if America falls into a depression worse then then 1930's. Shit, we could end up living like Ukrainians begging for bread in a fucking line for 6 hours. There will still be porn. In fact, the more fucked this country gets, the more prevalent porn will be. It's like the ONE thing we can always get.

So fuck you Flint, if you get even $5 from the government I will personally steal your wheelchair and hit your sister on the head with it. Eat poop.

Actually, Don't Find Him...Her

I know we've shit on this "story" a few times already, but this is just ridiculous. Fucking forget about this kid Kansas! He split 10 years ago because he obviously wanted to become a woman.

Look at that picture? Are you kidding me? I don't know what's more feminine, this this or Clay Aiken's private areas.

Thanks for the age-progression photo guys, it's clearly going to progress the investigation. Can you imagine the cop that saw this first?

Cop: Hey Jim Bob, you done with that age-procession photo thingy yet?

Kansas's Age-Progression Photo Specialist Jim Bob: Yes-sir-i-Bob!

Cop: Well give it here.

Jim Bob: Okily-Dokily.

Cop: WHAT!?! You didn't tell me he was a...she? What in my dog's balls is going on here?

Jim Bob: Age-Progression sir

Cop: Age-Procession my ass Jim Bob, this is borderline pornography.

Forget it Kansas, she's long gone! You suck, so does she.

Dude, Just Try Your Right Hand

This poor guy must have had his hands cut off at a young age. I'm convinced. Otherwise, how do you explain this? This is like how hyenas attack! Steal the goodies and then quickly consume whatever it is they have stolen in a hidden locale. He must have been as possessed as the demons in I Am Legend.

No shit he left DNA evidence!!! There is probably cum everywhere! The man broke into a store, climbed down a 50 foot wall and smashed through walls to fuck a plastic hole that he had to inflate first!! I'm guessing he didn't shoot any blanks. His load must have been like the guy from Scary Movie when he blows the girl to the ceiling.

I love how the owner of the sex shop is named "Vogue" to hide his name and yet there is a photo of him right on the site. "Oh hey look! There's creepy Mike!"

Did the world REALLY need to know that the doll he stole was called "Jungle Jane"? I mean really??? It's not as if it's a missing person. It's like letting the world know that I call my right hand, "Old Faithful". They just don't need to know that.

I Think I Know What Happened To This Baby...

I always wondered what must have happened to the baby that Dave Chappelle was talking about. Did it make it out of the hood? Was it caught up in gang violence? Well, I think I found him.

Jesus Christ dude!

Kid: Bitch! Did you just step on my foot?

Baby sitter: Oh relax. Now go clean yourself up! You still haven't wiped your ass from the poop you took and you have food all over your face. And when you're done, you have to clean up all of these Hot Wheels.

Kid: No, no, no. Hold up! Did you just step on my foot?

Baby sitter: Um, I might have, but it was an accident. I mean, there are 15 people in this mobile home and I can't exactly step anywhere without stepping on someone...Why are you giving me that look?

Kid: Oh, you were finished? Well allow me to retort...BREAK YO'SELF FOOL!!!

Bang.

WTF.

Everyone's a Little Slower in Kansas

He might be at a friend's house.

Yeah. Sure! Of course it should take you 10 years to report a missing person. That's what any normal person would do. The parents "feel remorse"? No, you feel remorse if you wait an hour thinking that your 11 year old kid is going to come back home. Remorse is taken out of the equation starting on hour two.

I'm sure the judge will be lenient since the parents "feel very guilty" about it. So guilty in fact that they were able to live kid-free for a decade! If your 11-year old kid runs away and it's been 10 years since you've heard from him, then you clearly don't give a rat's ass about him. Period. End of story. Just admit that you loved the free time you had and suffer the consequences like any other good piece of white trash from rural Kansas.

I wonder what "answer" those shrewed detectives found out?

"Yup Billy Bob. I confirmed it. He's not in the trailer. Don't tell anyone though. It's the only Goddamn thing we know about any of this. We have to pretend we have a clue what we are doing."

Warner Beats Falcons, Sleeps with Jimmy Clausen

Kurt Warner throws touchdown passes. Sometimes he throws interceptions. He prays a lot and I believe his wife has a pecker. But what really makes her awesome is the striking resemblence to Jimminy Clausen, the awful Quarterback at Notre Dame.

Sure sure sure, the Cardinals are advancing towards a Superbowl they'll never win. Who fucking cares really. What's more important is figuring out which one of these brillo pads is sexier.

I think it goes without saying that I'm way more attracted to Sir Clausen. I mean look at the guy! The way he rubs vaseline through his blond locks, the smirk of a "one time high school superstar who's now totally washed up." What's not to like?

Next time, well actually right now, I'm going to see which image brings me to orgasm fastest as I punch one out.

How Dumb Is This?...In People Years

Anyone know how "human old" this car is???? I can't wait to tell you!

This can't be real. It can't be. People CAN'T actually be discussing this. Right? How old is your car in people years????? WTF?! Are people out of their fucking mind? Blue Donut, I want to give you a jelly donut.

Donut, the Pythagorean Theorem was an invented formula. E=mc^2 was an invented formula. You, dividing a car's mileage by the year it was made is NOT an invented formula. It's you inventing a new reason for people to want to hit you in the face with a sock full of quarters. On top of that you tell me to "Enjoy." as if you've given me a new toy???

Donut, cars are not alive. Stop describing them in "human years". But I tell you what. If you keep putting up posts like this on your asinine site, I'd say your webpage is 100 years old. How did I get that number? Well, I interviewed 100 people and they all thought your article was horrendous. And I divided that by your ranking in "Worst Sites I have Ever Seen in my 28 (Human) Years of Life" which was #1. 100/1 = 100.

Enjoy.

Charles Barkley Has A Penis

In another example of how men have no control over their decision making once an erection is involved, Charles Barkley shows that even though he was on his way to getting a GUARANTEED blow job from a girl who would most likely suck his dick anytime he told her to, he apparently had no time to stop at a stop sign. He's fucking Charles Barkley! He's not the guy who gets one guaranteed blow job every 10 years. That's the guy that should be screaming through stop signs barrelling through anyone in his way. Charles Barkley should be at parties acting like Rick james. "That's right Bitch. THAT'S RIGHT BITCH!"

It goes to show you the power of the penis. Once he's fixated and locked on to a notion, coherent thought, (even for an Olympic Hall of Famer who can get more ass than toilet seats) is cast aside.

Then again...Charles Barkley has probably gotten a lot of BJ's in his life and if he in fact thought that this girl gave him the best BJ of his life a week earlier, maybe he did do the logical thing by firing through that stop sign. Come to think of it, he should have punched the cop in the face for stalling him from Best BJ 2.0.